Can I Make My Kid Trans?

***Disclaimer: I intend this post as just a dumb humor statement. I do not think that the actions of parents will change the sexuality or gender identity of their kids.***

I don't know what I like more - his hat, his Columbia jacket, or his Nikes...he's so well dressed!

So I had a long term relationship with a woman. 5 years to be exact. My husband knows this, most of his family knows this, my family knows this. Suffice to say that if any of my kids (I can dream that one day I'll have another one, right?) belongs to the LGBTQA... community that I'll be very comfortable and happy for them. Actually, as long as he or she is a good Ally, then it's all good with me. My current worry is whether my hopes and dreams can mess with his future gender identity. I mean, he's only 5 months old, so maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. He hasn't even discovered his penis yet (edit! two days after writing this but a couple of weeks before publishing it he found his penis during a diaper change.)

You see, we didn't find out the sex of the baby until the delivery room. That whole shit-show is the stuff of a blog post but I found out it was a boy in that moment. I am the daughter of a single mother, I have one sister, and my mom has 3 sisters. Her sister has 3 girls. I have spent my whole adult life dreaming of building a relationship with my daughter like I have with my mom. And now, I have a boy. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this little guy, from the top of his huge mostly bald - except for his back of the head "soul patch" - head to the tip of his tiny little chunky sausage toes. I don't think there's a thing wrong with him, and I wouldn't change him for the world. He's still a boy. And after my terrible surgical experience bringing him into this world, plus still feeling physically broken 5 months later, I'm not sure I'll ever have another baby. So in the meantime I keep daydreaming, and night-dreaming about my wonderful daughter. So while I don't think it's actually possible to give my son a gender discrepancy issue, here's why I worry that I might at least give him a complex!

1. I literally sometimes call him my little girl. This is NOT on purpose. I wonder why I'm so messed up? Seriously?! He's my adorable sweet loving boy, get it together woman.

2. I have zero problem with my person of any sex expressing any gender they choose. I'm not a girly girl and never have been, but I also don't believe in the uber macho persona of some men. In fact, if he wanted to wear dresses and be a pretty princess I'd celebrate.

3. I have no idea how to relate to a male child. I'm willing to learn, but obviously I'm just under-experienced here. I shudder when I think of potty training, I mean, I haven't been able to teach his father to get all the urine into the bowl and to put the seat down. How am I supposed to manage that with an opinionated toddler?

4. My son already seems to be ridiculously smart for his age. Of course, at 5 months old he's not able to articulate that to me, but he's adapted several different cries to express his feelings. He's already smart enough to know that if mom's in the house he doesn't HAVE to take a bottle - he knows there are boobs around to eat from. What's to say he won't be super perceptive and realize that I'm wishing for a daughter by the time he knows that he certainly isn't one?

5. At the height of my sleep deprived 4th trimester, when I'd not had a solid 2 hours of sleep in weeks, and when he managed to pee on me (and the wall/floor/clothes/new diaper/everyFREAKINGthingwithin5feet) for each diaper change in the last 12 hours I found myself not only crying but also exasperatingly asking him WHY he had to have a PENIS anyway. You see, it's not that I mind that he's a mini-man, it's that he has this high pressure fire hose that he uses to douse everything within reach!

Don't get me wrong, I love my son, and I am excited to be able to raise a white man in this country to be sensitive to race/class/sex/all minority groups. I can keep hoping that maybe one day I will have a wonderful daughter IN ADDITION to my son. Either way he'll be a wonderful guy to watch grow up. Unless of course he chooses to be my daughter himself, in which case I'll love him just the same. The most important part to me right now is to be sure I don't make him feel inadequate or wrong for the body he was born with, and that he can grow up to be any sort of person he wants to be - sparkly dresses, combat boots, ballet, football or any/all/none of the above.


And...fun pictures from recent times.

Barley holding Legan down while I get the stroller out of the trunk

This is my view from Legan while I'm walking. He doesn't look impressed!

Lovin those overalls

Why Barley puts up with this..I have no idea.

The single least attractive photo of this little guy!

5 Month Update!

HOORAY FOR HALLOWEEN!

It's my favorite big holiday and it was JUST before little man turned 5 months old.

Legan update!

Weight:  17lbs  8oz

Length: 27"

Head: 18"

Percentiles: 87%, 100+%, and 100+% in that order.

New Skills: Actually sucking on just his thumb, playing in his exersaucer, doing half sit-ups, purposely grabbing toys with both hands, and he found his penis....sigh.

Likes: Funny faces, bath/showertime, having EVERYTHING in his mouth all the time, sleeping in a little nest, and taking walks.

Dislikes: People NOT making a big deal out of him, boogers in his nose, and when he pokes himself in the eyeballs.

Tummy problems: We've had to up his Zantac dose twice in the last month, but we're doing pretty well again.

Sleeping: pretty well. Gradually changing over to just 3 naps during the day, most of which are a decent length (1+ hour), and spending at least 10-12 hours in bed at night usually only eating 1-2 times in there. Sometimes 3 of course, if he had a rough night.

Other new updates: he had his first cold just before Halloween and other than it 

This was actually a happy face...it's just LOOKS like he's ordering around his hench-demons...

Mommy Update!

I've really backed off from my exercise routine, after I kept up with it for about a month, I was more sore and sore all of the time. I worked a few shifts in there and being on my feet that long caused me some pain issues. I even took about 2 weeks off walks, and that seemed to help. I started them back up, and so far it's OK as long as I am not wearing my little man.

I'm still waiting on my insurance card to see if there's any chance of seeing a physical therapist for this. Most of hat I find online is tons of references to therapy to help with incontinence or pain from tears in vaginal deliveries. So I don't know, we'll see.

Physical stuff: Pretty much nothing has changed, most things I try to do, even rolling out of bed and putting my pants on while standing up causes some pain. Doesn't help that the skin within about 5" of the incision feels raw and chafed in pretty much every pair of pants I own. Most of the pants I have are still too small, but the very few pairs of maternity PANTS (rather than capris or shorts) I have are too big. Huge pajama pants or sweatpants is all I can wear without discomfort. Even my favorite yoga pants hurt me - but I refuse to only leave the house in pjs. Hoping that in the coming month I can start figuring out something. I don't really have much trust for any doctors anymore, and I've already had 2 blow me off about this situation, so I'm obviously having a hard time finding the motivation to call yet another person about this. It's painful to even consider that another doctor could blow me off and I could feel even more ignored/belittled by the medical system this year. It was a team of OBs that put me into this situation, so seeing more OBs doesn't appeal to me. But I will, I'll try. I just worry that physical therapy will be outside my financial ability - to say nothing of trying to find time to go without Legan regularly. I have also seen support belts that supposedly help, but they rely on your pregnant belly to keep them in place - so that's not likely to help me much. Crossing my fingers that I can find something to help me though.

And I feel like I got even more gypped. I'm still nursing my little man like 8-12 times a day. He's taken less than 10 bottles since coming from the hospital, and just before he was 5 months old I got my period back. NOT fair at all. Who wants to deal with fertility at this point in the game? I certainly don't!

Still just not loving this...especially when I still feel weak & pathetic.

Emotionally: Well, as pretty much all of my physical hobbies have been cut out, I'm having a rough time. One of the best ways to combat depression and anxiety is to get enough exercise, and I honestly don't know how without spending money that we don't have on a gym membership so that I can swim. My sit down type hobbies just aren't keeping me entertained enough. It's too easy to stop reading or coloring to clean the house. And everything I do I pretty much have to contain to 10 minutes at a time, or Legan starts fussing. His naps are only about 30 min during the day typically, so I mostly have to use that time to use the bathroom, wash/fold diapers, and eat. I'm seeing my therapist weekly, but in the grand scheme, I have no idea how things are going to start looking up as long as my status quo is unchanged. Legan has become pretty much the only joy in my life - so on his rough/cranky days I pretty much don't have any. We're alone for 12 hours and while I'd be happy to go out on a 3 hour walk, my body doesn't let me. I spend as much time with other people as possible, so he can have more faces to watch and I can have a little downtime. We're working on getting him to bed earlier so that I can have a little sanity before bed. Either way, things are still complicated and the physical discomfort definitely makes it even harder to try to accept the aesthetics of my new body. 

So instead, I try to take as many fun pictures of Legan when he's smiling as I can, and I try to do my workouts with him. He's the weights for arm curls and shoulder presses for sure!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Pumpkin baby!

Second pumpkin baby!

Stitch baby!

Bunny baby!

Our carved pumpkins

Family Trick-or-Treating photo! The magician who pulled the bunny out of the hat!

Finally wearing the Bears outfit and it's CLEAN!

Love this bib, and love the baby falling asleep right there.

Sometimes what you really need for a nap is a cute hat, daddy, and a stretchy wrap!

Finally got him started napping and sleeping his first stretch at night on a flat surface by himself. YAY! Of course, I have to build him a little nest, but it's a good start. Aren't those little hands so so so sweet?

This was Mr. Legan avoiding bedtime after the excitement of Halloween. He was SO happy about it. It was another 30 minutes before we got him to bed, but at least he was giggling while avoiding.

Showing off those guns!

Just found this hat. Had to put it on him for a couple pictures before packing it away into the "much too small box."

It's still an awfully cute hat.

Showing off a new outfit!

And here's my daily dose of entertainment. He's gotten so much stronger in his saucer!