Long Long Sick Days

I've read about sleep regressions and growth spurts, and everything else I can get my hands on to do with this baby and pregnancy and being a new mom.

I've even had my car trips taken over by this dictator!

I was intellectually prepared for all sorts of scenarios, and I didn't expect to get much sleep. But then my adorable little monster lulled me into a false sense of security. He spent a couple of months sleeping really really well at night - from 9-10 pm til somewhere between 6 & 8 am he would only get up once to eat. He was doing GREAT! I didn't mind (too much) that he consequently ate every 1-2.5 hours all day long to made up for the long stretches he was going overnight without eating. I did mind the fact that he wouldn't nap for more than about 45 minutes at a time a little bit, but I definitely wouldn't have traded the two willingly.

WHAM! Just when I was least expecting it (I know, I know, that's ALWAYS when it happens), he decided to change everything I knew about his even slight routine. The last week has consisted of him taking one super long nap per day, maybe 2-3 hours, plus a shorter nap or 6, some of them only about 10-15 minutes. And now he's eating 3-4 times overnight again. This is so chaotic for me. 

I've been working really hard at just accepting and expecting it. That is the biggest thing I've learned in my life, but especially in the last year (I was officially pregnant as of one year ago now, so my little peanut is kinda a year old in at least SOME ways.), is that I handle disruptions in my life/schedule/routine much better if I can just accept and/or expect them. Even if they're changes I'm not necessarily happy about (like getting woken up every 2 hours) don't bother me as much if I mentally embrace them.

I did notice that all of this schedule & feeding changes happened just when I decided to pick up those couple of shifts, kinda wondering if he just got upset with our change in routine or just missed his mommy. Or maybe he's just a baby and is unpredictable, hard to say for sure.

So just when I was starting to handle this OK the lack of sleep apparently affected my immune system and now I have a cold. Which isn't so bad, except for 3 things. 1: I'm not sleeping at night or during the day much and little one is therefore out of sorts and wants to sleep on me/next to me. 2: He wakes up every time I sniff/wipe/blow my nose or sneeze and 3: I'm breastfeeding so I pretty much can't take any cold medicine that would help with #1 because either it's not good for him or it is likely to dry up my breasts for the day. But I think I'll manage. Or at least I thought I would. Then he caught the cold, so now we're having a grand old time.

We wore this for about an hour...

Unfortunately it means that I'm my normal amount of sore, plus achy/sore from cold, and then the sinus pressure and all the other crap that comes along with a cold. Adding in sleep deprived and a sleep deprived baby didn't go great for us. Cold rainy weather didn't help as I definitely wasn't bringing my little man outside, but even just wearing him around the house was pretty uncomfortable for me. I'm guessing that he feels me being icky and he feeds off of that (sometimes more literally than others!), plus is bored from sitting around the house, and is tired. So he's cranky and I'm ill-equipped to handle it. So today we mostly hung out and cried. I'm hoping this isn't a preview of years to go. I'm assuming that when he gets to the age of being physically capable of playing with toys and watching movies that when I get sick again in the future we'll be able to have a movie/junk food day with some inside playing and it will turn out better. For now, nearly 5 months old, he's just sad and snotty on top of me being sad and both of us exhausted. And when he gets too snotty, he just pukes up the extra snot. Oh joy! Not that it really matters, what's a few outfit changes and extra burp cloths to the neverending laundry? The best part I think was when he exploded poop out about 5 seconds AFTER puking down his shirt. I didn't even have the Bears outfit on! 

He was strangely happy for breakfast though...

So many blurry hands in his life!

Last night was such a strange anomaly. He actually went almost 8 hours without eating - but he was up every 2 hours to complain at me for about 10 minutes, slapping me in the face repetitively and screaming before passing out without any real comforting or feeding. So I don't feel too bad for not getting much sleep in there at all - not only could I not figure out how to breathe but I was getting slapped all night. Luckily (maybe?) insomnia has hit me hard with this cold, so I'm not sure I'd have slept great anyway. Blessing enough. 

So for the remainder, I'll just try to take more pictures of him happy in the very very few happy minutes I'm getting per day. We've got to find a way to get ourselves back together enough for Halloween - with a party coming and Legan's first trick-or-treating and pumpkin carving we need to at least function!

In the meantime - Netflix isn't working, so we're bingeing on Roseanne. Do I feel bad for him? Maybe, but I'm not even in the know enough with kids shows to find one for him.

My excuse for him napping on the floor was that he is sleeping so fitfully maybe he'll sleep easier if I can see him and if he doesn't have to change rooms. In reality - I was too lazy to bother walking him all the way out of the room, and spend 5-10 minutes transferring him to the pack and play just to fail.

My Favorite Baby Outfits...

My mom and I ended up buying two emergency baby outfits once, due to my deciding to spend the night unexpectedly and didn't have enough clothes for my little man. We made sure they were super cute, but also the right price and terribly comfy. 

One of them we got quite a few good pics in. He's Wildly Cute!

We have zero pictures in the other outfit. The first time we put it on...he almost immediately peed all the way through it. I ended up doing laundry.

The next day he exploded poop in it. Less than an hour after I put him in it.

Three days later puke all down his front, 5 minutes later.

The following week I had it mostly on him and he peed in the middle of his diaper change...

3 days later poop out of his diaper top & bottom like an hour later.

Yesterday I put him in it at 6 am when he had just peed in the middle of a diaper change onto his sleeper, and we snuggled back up in bed. Got up less than 3 hours later and he had soaked through that outfit onto my bed. Then 2 minutes later he puked down the sleeve.

Sigh. So I have no pictures, because he never has it on long enough. 

I mean, we got it just because it was cute and really, I mean, it's tough to be a Chicago fan most of the time. Especially a Bears fan in my lifetime, and this year in particular. But still, I'd like to take a picture of him in it, and I love that it has feet attached to the pants. Alas, it just seems like it will never happen. This outfit just brings out all of his bodily fluids. Apparently, he's good at expressing his opinion of the Bears.

This was taken after the most recent pee incident, but after the pee and puke dried. Sigh, back to the washing pile it goes!

Mom Win Vs Mom Fail

It's amazing what a roller coaster of a day you can have with an infant. I don't know how many assumptions I made about how I would spend my days as a SAHM (stay at home mom), but a good chunk of them were totally wrong. Granted, I was expecting to have a really hard time leaving the house and I was fully prepared to be covered in all sorts of bodily fluids so at least I wasn't ENTIRELY delusional.

Either way I wanted to share some of my favorite Mom Wins and Mom Fails.

Win #1 & FAIL #1: Legan had only been home maybe 3 weeks and I took him on an outing to my favorite local baby store. Mostly I think I just wanted to get out and show him off a little, and I did need some diaper supplies. Of course he got hungry because it took almost an hour to get him packed up and to get over there. So I nursed him in public (not the hospital) for the very first time, all snuggled together in their mommy area. I was SO proud of myself. Not 10 minutes later of course I had to change him, and he managed to pee all over EVERY SINGLE OUTFIT I had with me and his changing pad....and my hands and pants. Whoops!

Not from that incident, but this is how he felt about breastfeeding at the time!

Win #2: A mom friend and I went to Brookfield Zoo. She has a 5 year old and 3 year old, plus her little guy was 3 weeks old. Legan was 5 weeks at the time. We managed on a 90 degree day to spend about 4 hours at the zoo, get everyone fed, no one overheated and no real meltdowns. Total win!

Proof we went to the zoo!

Win #3: We made it to an 8 am lactation appointment at the hospital, with him hungry but not screaming when he was about 8 weeks old. Need I say more?

Some days he's pretty darn happy when he's woken up!

Fail #2(& 3): My changing table is next to my computer desk, specifically my computer is to the right of the changing table. After an incident involving a screaming baby, a poopy computer, and the remaining clean diapers in the house being in the line of fire I started facing his "cannons" to the left. This DID mean swapping to changing him left handed, but I'm generally pretty ambidextrous so this honestly wasn't an issue at all for me. Not 2 days after I made the switch (and spent probably 2 hours cleaning up my desk, computer, and wrapping the baby in non-fitting huge cloth diapers while the rest were in the wash) he prepared to get me again. I heard the ominous rumbling of doom, managed to get a diaper up but not quite close enough. The "bomb" ricocheted off of the diaper and onto the cream colored carpet. Sigh. 

I took no photos of those fails. So here's a cute pic instead, from after washing him up.

And here's my new favorite mom outfit - this is what I wear to maximize boob access and comfort, in addition to soaking up spit up. A lot of spit up.

Fail #4: The sauce incident. The photos really say it all. Due to our house sharing situation we are using our linen closet as a makeshift pantry, and while I was trying to reorganize our foodstuffs to get out some oatmeal for breakfast a plastic jar of spaghetti sauce came tumbling down. Some splashed up onto the ceiling onto the matte paint...it will never be the same.

Win #4: Mostly just this adorable little monster. He's pretty freaking adorable.

Showing off cute diapers!

Happy bug outfit for my bug!

Adorable cloth diaper!

Happy first time in the exersaucer!

Big boy cloth diaper, and the reminder that we're new in this together!

Our current favorite outfit!

So happy his hands disappeared!

Some of my favorite times nowadays are first thing in the morning when he's all warm and snuggled up to me. 

And my new favorite video of happy baby sounds!

4 months old!

So we all managed to live through the last four months! Sometimes I believe that medals should be given out.

So I'm going to try to keep up with these now monthly, we'll see how it goes. 

Legan update!

Weight: 15 lbs 3 oz

Length: 24.25"

Head: 17.25"

Percentiles: 72%, 42%, and 100+% in that order.

New Skills: Rolling to his back during tummy time, chattering up a storm, side lying nursing at night. 

Likes: Eating his hands, standing up with help, walking around anywhere, bath/showertime, mom's boobs, and people talking to him.

Dislikes: BOTTLES!!!!! Everything about silicone in his mouth, being in the car when he's awake and it's dark out, being in the house with just mommy during the day.

Tummy problems: he's still on Zantac and I'm still dairy free, but this seems to be keeping his tummy relatively happy, so I'm pretty pleased with it, though in the last week he has gotten more fussy and pukey - I'm wondering if he has outgrown his dose. Our regular pediatrician appointment is next week, so we'll discuss then.

Mommy Update!

I've started up a new workout routine to try to help me feel more like myself. I'm doing squats, push ups from knees, arm curls, shoulder presses, and calf & toe raises. Then I take just a moment to plank and do downward facing dog. I shift back and forth between the two every 20 ish seconds for maybe 3 minutes. That's about it and I can get it done in about 10 minutes a day. I had to start super super slow, but it's all I can think of to attempt to help my pelvis heal up and not pull on my incision. 

I'm not sure it's working for me. Mostly, I'm not sure that I'm not doing more pelvis damage. I still have a not insignificant amount of the crotch discomfort left from pregnancy. I am doing my best to try to find a doctor that can help me with this, but honestly I've not seen a good one in Illinois regarding anything pre- or postpartum so I don't know where to turn. 

Physical stuff: I still can't run, not even a couple steps. I can go on a walk about 1 mile with the stroller and not be uncomfortable afterwards. If I put him in the carrier, I have to keep it down to about 1/2 mile to keep the pain away. Any further, and I'm aggravating my issues. Therefore I can't do 90% of yoga because if I do anything with my legs separated I feel it hurting. This includes rock climbing and riding horses. So I'm honestly not sure what I can do other than squats for physical activity. Working very hard to try to find a doctor that can help me, but everyone just keeps telling me to be patient and time will heal me. I really doubt that 4 months post surgery that I should still feel so limited. It's not that I don't have muscle - it's that I can't even start trying to build any yet - there's still too much brokenness deep down. 

Emotionally: Well, as pretty much all of my physical hobbies have been cut out, I'm having a rough time. One of the best ways to combat depression and anxiety is to get enough exercise, and I honestly don't know how without spending money that we don't have on a gym membership so that I can swim. My sit down type hobbies just aren't keeping me entertained enough. It's too easy to stop reading or coloring to clean the house. And everything I do I pretty much have to contain to 10 minutes at a time, or Legan starts fussing. His naps are only about 30 min during the day typically, so I mostly have to use that time to use the bathroom, wash/fold diapers, and eat. I'm seeing my therapist weekly, but in the grand scheme, I have no idea how things are going to start looking up as long as my status quo is unchanged. Legan has become pretty much the only joy in my life - so on his rough/cranky days I pretty much don't have any. We're alone for 12 hours and while I'd be happy to go out on a 3 hour walk, my body doesn't let me. I spend as much time with other people as possible, so he can have more faces to watch and I can have a little downtime. We're working on getting him to bed earlier so that I can have a little sanity before bed. Either way, things are still complicated and the physical discomfort definitely makes it even harder to try to accept the aesthetics of my new body. 

So instead, I try to take as many fun pictures of Legan when he's smiling as I can, and I try to do my workouts with him. He's the weights for arm curls and shoulder presses for sure!

He had all sorts of smiles for his official pics today, but had to keep his fingers in his mouth while smiling. :)

Silencing My Voice

Quick recap: after my last blog post, I was approached on my Facebook Page and basically called a bad mom because I don't like my son and should never have had him, much less more kids. Funny enough, my last post was about how NOT to get pregnant right now while still feeding my son, so not sure what THAT was the avenue used to tell me to not have kids. Either way, I'm putting that post and all of its comments here, but removing the names out of politeness/safety. Only the one user actually offended me. Everyone else was generally polite, but still wanted me to stop being honest about my struggles and just be grateful to be a parent to a generally healthy baby boy. That very idea though is so scary to me. To tell people to NOT admit difficulties is a disservice to everyone. That silencing is what I truly feel leads to so much suicide, especially in minority groups. I feel that the whole category of "birth trauma" is still apparently up for debate in so many communities. Women are being told that because they and their baby survived and were healthy they are not allowed/supposed to feel traumatized by the experience - even if they have PTSD like symptoms. Well that's crap. For that reason, I had to post these.

Original Post was a link to my Birth Control post with this blurb:

"New blog post: 1/2 soapbox, 1/2 rant, but 100% educational!

Hey all, POSTPARTUM SEX HAS EVEN MORE REASON TO SUCK WHEN YOU'RE BREASTFEEDING!"

Here are the comments given afterward, generally chronologically.

• Person A: I'm sorry but seeing your blog and how you're constantly complaining about how horrible your infant child is, why would you want more? You don't even seem to want the one you have. You need major help and you're so attention grabby that you just put these things out there to have people make suggestions so you can play the victim and shut them down. Grow the hell up, comfort your child who OBVIOUSLY needs someone to love him and make him feel safe, go to the god damn doctor for all the supposed pain you're feeling, and talk to a very good psychological professional.

• Finding Balance Wellness Wow, thanks for your not even slightly constructive criticism. If you don't like what I have to say, no one forces you to read this at all. I'm sorry that me seeing a therapist and venting as part of my therapy in order to keep my sanity so obviously offends you. I'm further sorry that my infant being extremely crabby generally fussy and refusing to sleep a good chunk of the day means to you that I hate him. He's seeing 2-3 different therapists to get his actual physical issues taken care of. So I'm definitely confused as to what more help you think I need, since you are obviously an expert in my life-because you don't seem to be aware of any of the positives. I spend all day with him trying to keep him happy-I did more damage to my hips and pelvis trying to walk with him in his carrier to keep him comfortable. I miss meals to try to make him happy. I'm trying to find a doctor to see for myself but so far I've been ignored and had insurance change several times. But the funniest part is definitely that this post is all about my struggle to keep feeding him the best way I know how while making sure I DON'T conceive again. So trying not to have another kid. But being judgey is certainly helping you, so by all means keep it coming. I'm sure it's incredibly helpful for you and it certainly does me a lot of good too. 
• Person B: I think your messages would be more well received and sympathetic if you tried to be more positive. Rather than what seems like complaining about everything. Motherhood and postpartum is hard but focusing on the joy of it does a lot better then just focusing on the negatives.
• Finding Balance Wellness If anyone actually follows me on Facebook, I find I generally am rather positive. There are a ton of pictures of him and me smiling, and not a small amount of happy videos. Most of the complaining I do on my blog even is about the healthcare system and such-not about my son.
• Person B: I'm not even talking about just your son but in this article you even titled it "why it sucks even more" not something about the difficulty in choosing a pp BC which is more neutral. Or do a post on the positives that come with pp.
• Finding Balance Wellness I think the state of healthcare in this country is deplorable. The fact that reversible birth control for men is limited largely to condoms seems ridiculous. This is infuriating to me. As a feminist. So I'm not neutral about this topic. I think it sucks that I need to screw with my hormones to get better that a 90% chance of safety, when hormones can mess with moods. Again, though, if you don't like my views, then I'm not sure why you read this?
• Finding Balance Wellness I'm not out demanding nice comments, but I don't go out and post negative ones in anyone else's space. Feel free to unfriend or unfollow me if you don't like me. Why keep following me just to step in and tell me I'm a bad mom when you don't know much about my life? You're not doing a public service keeping tabs on me.
• Person C: Hi there. I stumbled on your blog because it shows up on my feed when a mutual friend comments on it. So your blog is probably unintentionally showing up on a lot of people's feeds, people who do not necessarily follow you. Maybe you're using your blog to vent but whatever you put out on the Internet is subject for judgment and discussion. A lot of the things in your blogs are triggers for people, especially people who have difficulty conceiving, people with supply issues, or mothers who are proud of their CS and are offended by the term "artificial birth". This page is public, right? That means anyone can come on here and disagree and give their opinions just like they do on the huffington post or scary mommy. With that said, I don't comment on your personal page because I don't want to get shot down. In many of your posts you complain about things and when your friends give you suggestions, you instantly shoot them down. Maybe you don't notice it but every time someone suggests something you say that doesn't work or you have an excuse. I watched the last video of your baby crying and it made me so sad. We had nap issues a few weeks ago, it was rough. I have tons of ideas on how to put a baby to sleep but I'm afraid to offer them to you based on how you've shot down everyone else's help/advice. I think you have a beautiful and wonderful baby. I love seeing his smiley pictures and reading about how he sleeps through the night. So many moms would die for a healthy and happy baby. Perhaps you do not know how lucky you are. Maybe expressing gratitude and positivity will in turn bring you more positivity in your life.
• Finding Balance Wellness Thank you for your thoughts. I do my very best not to judge others for their views. Not that I mean to say you are judging. But I don't post that other people can't be or shouldn't be happy with their situations. I didn't have the typical surgical birth. Maybe if I had I would feel differently. But I was abused during mine. I'm not sure how talking about that trauma takes away from people very happy with their c section. Blunt honesty has always been my style, as I believe it's terribly sad when anyone is censored from expressing their pain, or made to feel ashamed of it. So I refuse to be silent about my difficulties. If I bottled it up and only talked about happy things I would explode out somewhere. Right now I don't have any ability to physically vent anything, so I do as I must with my words I'm sorry if you find them hurtful or offensive, they certainly aren't intended to be.
• Person C: I understand and you shouldn't be silent about your struggles but just find gratitude for that amazing little babe you got. You know the frustrations that have been expressed aren't coming from a bad place. People are rooting for you to find happiness.
• Finding Balance Wellness Some of them have been expressed from a good place. And someone suggested I don't even like my own child. That wasn't a suggestion coming from a good place
• Person D: So I actually love this. Why? Birth control just kinda sucks. Most of my sex ed was about the same as the scene from Mean Girls. I never knew most of what your blog covers could be an issue. I'm glad you've brought some of these to light and have managed not to sugar coat it.

I cried pretty much all day from Person A's comments. I struggle enough wondering if I can take care of him and whether I deserve him and if he would have been better off adopted out to some other family. So I just bawled today, again and again. On the other hand, I honestly think Person B & Person C were coming to me out of goodness and sincerely meant well. I'm not going to say they didn't make any good points at all. But I will note that their intent was still to convince me to sugarcoat my experience before blogging or sharing it. That just isn't what I do this for and the very idea behind it is somewhat damaging to me and to others. I will not only share my positives. I share when I'm happily breastfeeding my little guy in a parking lot on the way to someone's house because he couldn't make it. I share sleepy co-sleeping pics in the mornings, and adorable baby-babbles. But sometimes I have to share about uncontrollable crying for hours. Because sharing it helps me get through it. 

So I wrote a second post on Facebook tonight in support of myself and my opinion, but I realized it more belonged here. It follows in blue, with a link to a great article. But first, adorable baby. :)

Finding Balance Wellness

***disclaimer: on this post and this post alone I will be removing any & all negative comments***

This is my final statement on this matter, but this article really drives home so much of my points.
For those that think TL;DR, check out this article http://www.xojane.com/issues/unhappy-moms-and-happy-moms

"In other words, if we let parents complain about parenting, everyone will be happier -- a paradox right after my own heart."

I write a blog mostly for me, so that I have an outlet for everything. I love when I can share a great happy outburst, and I do, as much as I can. At the same time, I have had a terribly fucking hard year. I've moved cross country, twice, lost most of our savings, lost a career opportunity, got pregnant, and had a somewhat difficult 3rd trimester where I was contracting for basically 8 weeks straight. Then I was stopped from having a vaginal birth even though baby was in the birth canal, not under distress, and not stuck. He was delivered via a basically unmedicated c-section, and he was a month early. He lived in the NICU for 20 days, while I did my best to provide all of the food, warm, and cuddles I was capable/allowed. He came home and is a beautiful loving boy. However, he's on medication for reflux, we had a ton of problems with breastfeeding due to my breasts attempting to drown him regularly (yes, that's a thing - oversupply can be rough too!), and his allergies. In attempting to deal with his poor unhappy tummy, he managed to become what I lovingly call a "velcro" baby who hates being put down. On top of that, my pregnancy and delivery has still left me with discomfort that I haven't been able to fix yet. Some is due to doctors disregarding me, some is due to the fact that we have a combined 2-4 appointments a week. You see, my son is seeing 2-4 different therapists a month to attempt to get him caught up developmentally. I'm seeing a therapist to attempt to deal with the trauma of feeling people cut me open, especially when there's a very real chance he would have been delivered vaginally safely. So time isn't on my side. So while I would love to just strap him into my various baby carriers and walk him around for hours a day to his heart's content - getting me & my dog healthy and in shape at the same time and getting me out of the house - I can't. I took two hour long walks on back to back days this week, and ended up not sleeping much for the next 3 days because I had shooting pains in my pubic bone from lingering SPD everytime I moved my legs at all. So YES, I am STRUGGLING! I take as many pictures and videos of my little guy as I can when he's happy, to help me through the times he's crying and I've exhausted all of my ideas for settling him down. I tell everyone about as many happy moments as I can - because I want to and I have to. But reading blogs and articles and posts that all gloss over the difficulties of mothering a new baby just depresses me because it makes me feel like I am a failure. Reading more and more and more about how "easy" and "fun" this is supposed to be just rubs all my struggles in my face. Being told I'm a bad mom just rolls all of my own fears and guilt back at me.

So I write my blog. Not just to vent, but because I know out there, there are OTHER moms who struggle. We don't love our babies less, we don't want OUT of motherhood (probably, at least I don't), but telling us to pretend we don't struggle, silencing our voices when we tell about unpleasant TRUTHS? Why would that help? I already feel alone enough. Telling me that blogs shouldn't focus on negatives means that my life is a lie. Would it be OK to tell rape victims that they should just be happy they didn't get murdered? I thought not. I mean, yeah, they are grateful to have their lives (I've been there and I am, so I can say that), but that doesn't take their pain or humiliation away. So why tell someone who suffered a birth trauma that they should just be happy they have a healthy baby? I love him, he's sweet, he's adorable, and generally he just loves me (or at least my boobs) more than he can explain. But sometimes he's just hard, and just unhappy. But I will tell my story, because other desperate, alone, scared, depressed moms who need to know that it's OK to not be happy all the time and that they don't have to hide all of their feelings.

If I make you uncomfortable, then please, don't read. You don't need to. But silencing women who are hurting is just another form of taking away our rights, labeling people as crazy when they struggle. Please don't bully, don't try to sweep pain under the rug, and don't pretend that struggles aren't real.