Don't Tell Me You're Tired

Now I don't want to speak just to the people in "traditional" man/woman relationships and roles, but I think this will apply to basically any two-parent household. Nearly any.

In any household with a young baby, there will be middle of the night (MOTN) wakeups. As I've discovered and discussed at great lengths, some babies are really bad at sleeping overnight, but some are better than others. What this really amounts to though, is someone has to get up with them. Everyone has there own plan and system, but from all the parents I've talked to....and I'm part of SO MANY ONLINE MOMS GROUPS...it's almost always an unequal divide, regardless of how it works.

For our household, it's generally (not exclusively, but almost always) me who gets up with the baby. I did give up my Legan overnight duties at about 28 weeks pregnant with Jade, but he gets up much less often and is much better at putting himself back to sleep afterwards. Jade is up somewhere between 1 & 5 times per night lately, because colds are evil. When she's healthy, it's usually only 2. And when she's healthy, it's frequently up just to feed, and then right back down.

But you see, if one of the parents is breastfeeding baby, then generally that parent is the one getting up, because it's always more fun to get up with a baby than get up to attach yourself to a mindless breast-sucking machine. And there are other factors, like a parent that has a long drive in the morning and isn't good at driving on little/no sleep. Or a higher pressure job. Or a parent that is better at waking a d getting back to sleep. Each family makes their own decisions, but again, the MOTN wakeups are generally unequal.

The important point here is that the parent getting more sleep....should NEVER EVER EVER try to tell the less sleeping parent how tired they are. Ever. Because it's insulting. It feels like the parent with more sleep is basically putting themselves over the other one.

I am the parent who gets less sleep, and it's so demoralizing to here my partner (or honestly any other parent who I know is the "more sleep getting" parent) telling me how they're tired. Because I get less sleep, and I average about ~4 broken up hours of sleep per night most weeks. And so to hear from someone who averages 6.5-7 hours per night, even broken, just feels insulting to here. Like it doesn't matter how much I struggle and feel like the life is all being sucked out of me (sometimes more literally than others depending upon how there's so much nursing going on), because someone else had a rough night or two. It's so hard to here about how hard it is to live on 5.5/6 hours of sleep from someone else when that would describe probably a top 5 night in my last 9 months. Honestly, a top 5 night. And you're telling me that that makes you miserable? LOL!!!!! And kindly screw off. Because it makes me feel like I'm a freaking magician compared to you. Or maybe more like someone who works twice as hard as you and gets half as much credit.

So yeah, I know that you're tired and that you sometimes "help out" by taking the baby who's been up for hours already, but seriously, go complain to someone else about how tired you are. ANYONE ELSE. Just not me, because I can't handle it, I can't listen to someone doing so much better than me in this aspect, so it's infuriating.

Poor people don't want to hear about how rich people can't afford silly luxury items like European vacations when the poor person is draining out their savings just to try to keep a crappy car going so they can get to their job that has no PTO. It just hurts and is frustrating and makes you want to shake them to make them realize how hurtful they're being. It's a privilege thing. You have the privilege of sleeping much more, so stop going on about how rough your sleep is.

Because your partner wants to NOT WANT to scream and cry and yell. Because they're already tired and cranky and if you're wanting to complain that means you're probably being cranky too, and they just aren't well rested enough to be kind and rational. So stop trying to ask them to be MORE than rational and kind, stop asking them to carry YOUR weight in this too. Just leave them be. Give them a hug and some dessert and their drink of choice.

So go vent to someone else, anyone else, because I know you're tired, and that's OK, but you gotta complain to someone else who is on your level, not someone much below you on the sleep hierarchy.

So...please don't tell me you're tired. Because I passed tired months ago.

She's just starting to get up on hands and knees!!! Go big girl go!!

And really starting to actually eat real food. She loves fruit.

Also, this is how I spend some of my spare time. Doing quick and only acceptable repairs on stuff, because putting in the time and effort for full repairs is just too much. This was supposed to be a continuous piece...but there was a hole.

I love that they love each other. He's hugging, she's kissing.

Trying to pull herself up on the table.

It's thinking about getting warm. So he's wearing socks with sandals and a hoodie under a rain jacket, lol. But...we're outside.

Jade had her first real swing session.

  

She's really obsessed with Spock's ears. Really obsessed. We police.

Having fun playing at an indoor play center. We put her in a box

She loves trying to be a big kid.

Got a picture of both of them!!!!

And she's finally sitting up in the bathtub too...it's taken a few weeks past sitting on her own.

Baby Sleep - Different but Good?

I'm so afraid to post this. Because I don't want to jinx this. So I'll try not to brag and be brief.

Cozy sleeping girl

But I think Jade is actually a good sleeper, in her own way, which is likely as good as it ever gets for an infant.

For the first two weeks of her life, she was a total sleepaholic, but of course they generally all are. Then for the next couple of months she actually slept decently when I got her down, assuming it was in a reasonable time frame. If she got overtired, it was all over, super short naps.

But getting her down was ridiculous. Sometimes an hour of effort. And rocking didn't work, and snuggling wasn't enough. Pacing, lots of pacing. She likes movement.

As she got older, things got a little better. Usually less time to get her down, and as she could stay awake longer without being overtired.

Then, she found her thumb. This was a step that Legan didn't really make until he was over a year, he didn't learn how to settle himself down. But this girl, she LOVES her thumb.

At first, we would pace until she passed out. Then we would pace, I would stick her thumb in her mouth, and she'd pass out.

Then I would pace and she would find her thumb herself and pass out quickly. Then I thought we took steps backward.

Two things happened, 1 - she would suck her thumb and settle down quickly, but then shake it all off and look around and refuse to lay her head back down, and 2 - she started to wake up repetitively overnight again, a ton. More than she ever had.

And I thought it was all over. I thought that all hope of sleeping for the next year and a half was gone. But no. I had to learn something. My kids are not the same as everyone else's kids and they're not the same as each other. Legan couldn't learn to settle himself down until he was older, so trying to help him fall asleep and stay asleep by himself just didn't work. I thought maybe that meant that there was something wrong with all the methods and ideas and everything behind "sleep training" but now I'm thinking it was just mostly that it just wasn't for us/him. Because I have finally figured out how to help out Jade. I make sure that she's well fed and her diaper is clean. I make sure she's been awake for long enough and that she's rubbed her eyes (or her whole face on me) a few times and whined, so I know she's tired. I pace with her for just a couple of minutes. I make sure she finds her thumb and I snuggle her for those couple minutes. Like 5 or less. And I set her down and walk away. And she grabs her thumb within 10 seconds of me setting her down and is generally out in 5 min or less with almost no noise.

And if she's not, I pick her up, offer boob, she generally refuses, and I repeat the short pacing. And set her back down. I think only once has it not worked that second time. That singular experience, it worked the third time. So I guess it was generally too early to get her asleep that day.

So...it's generally easy.

She takes decent naps and sleeps decently at night, so long as we don't wait until she's been up for way way way way too long before settling her down. Of course, decent changes week to week. She's now usually up only 1-2 times at night. Sometimes that means up at 3 and 5, but sometimes that means midnight and 3, and then starting the day at 5 am. Which results in not much sleep for me. 

It's weird.

Good but weird.

So if things change in a couple of weeks and she gets difficult again, I'll try to remember to follow HER two rules. She wants me to set her down so that she can fall asleep, and make sure that she hasn't been awake for too little or too much time.

Sweet Jade - don't worry, this mommy is going to have to learn a lot from you still.

The only real hurdle is when she's sick. Because then she can't necessarily lay down and sleep, because the snot or coughing stops her from sleeping. And she doesn't want to sleep on you. So....you walk and walk and walk and sit with her on the couch and hope she falls asleep.

Legan playing in the dryer

Big girl is 6 months old, and really silly

She was sick for these, but trying to be happy

Legan wanted his picture taken too. So he stacked up the blocks and lifted the tower. 

"Reading" before bed

Both kiddos playing with the shopping cart, Jade's eating the wheels, but Legan is getting squishmallows down for her to smash

Just a day in the life of mom

Starting to eat food, so she stole my apple

He loved his bucket hat

Super baby!

Legan is sitting here with me and asked me to include this picture of the big slide at the play center. He didn't go down it.

This is such a great dog. Also, he's majestic.

Clothing Issues

Sometimes I wish I had the time and energy and skill and sources to make my own wardrobe. Or to pay someone else to do it. Alas, no good.

All these pictures feature a dirty mirror. Sorry-not-sorry

This outfit is..almost ok. These pants were not flattering, so I cut into capris which was awesome, and lots of comfy pockets. Shirt though, is lightly too tight, it emphasizes belly, which isn't fun postpartum.

So here's my picky picky list of why I hate clothes.

Let's just start with basic overview...

If I didn't jiggle, leak, bounce, or get cold I would be nude all the time. I hate to feel my clothes. If i could have a weightless zero compression garment with appropriate easy access to nurse, use toilet, and get on and off without endless amounts of fasteners, I'd be totally in. But not so much. Either way, supportive clothing, with the exception of my bra because I hate bouncing more than feeling my clothes, is the devil. I don't like to feel squished.

Machine washable isn't a debate, it's a deal breaker.

Loose and baggy to the point where if I try to eat or walk or go up and down stairs or in and out of car and it ends up under my feet, blowing in the wind, trying to get into my plate/mouth, or catching anything in such a way that might put any even light pressure onto my entire neck area - nope. Again, I don't want to feel it, so I can't be wrestling with it.

No high necks because anything touching above my collarbones makes me want to gag. Literallly.

Sleeves can't be compression/skin tight or loose enough to blow in the wind, but can't interfere with raising my arms above my head. There's a reason I stick to mainly tank tops. Because sleeves are so easy to mess up.

Pockets

A total must. And not cute pockets. Pockets that can hold a phone without falling out. And at least two, but preferably 4-6, because I already have a diaper bag, I can't carry a purse, but some things I need on my person, and some things I am picking up after kiddo 1 or 2 has dropped them and we're trying to get out the door, or I need somewhere to put a hanky because someone's nose or mouth or hands always needs to be wiped. So...pockets.

Jeans

They're simply not comfortable. Need I say more? I mean, yeah, stretch denim, because no other option, but it's a thick material and in order to stay up some part has to be tight. So it digs in. And seams are thick. I mean, maybe if I could still find pipe style jeans from the early millennium I could get by on those, but not so much luck. Flare style are my preferred because I feel like they balance out the large butt/small ankle look of mine, but that's still tight in the thighs, and I hate HATE compression feeling clothing. But they can't be loose enough to need to continually hitch up. So, jeans are a working garment usually. Or intentionally going out to LOOK cute, but those fuckers are coming off as soon as I step into the house, just so you know. Assuming I've found any to fit my postpartum self because....

Rise

The rise on all pants has always been a super nuisance to me. I used to love low rise because I have a hilariously short torso (hence why my pregnancies caused belly to get HUGE!), and used to have a tiny waist and huge butt/hip. So anything that didn't sit right at or barely above my hip bones had a flapping problem on top - my waist and hips refused to fit into the same size. However now, I have a belly flap. And I hate it, because it jiggles when I laugh and it bounces when I move and it just needs to sit the fuck still. Low rise pants sit under it mostly, so it flaps over the top of them. That's not acceptable. High rise nearly touches my bra. Less than 2" apart typically. That's also not ok. Not only does it tend to overheat me, but it leads to the top of the pants flapping and pulling at my stomach/chest whenever I sit/stand/chase kids/move at all. And when I sit it causes a fold of skin to appear between the waistband and bra band because they're too damn close together. So mid rise? Well, maybe. Some mid rise on women's clothing sits still an inch or two above my belly button...some juniors mid rise is more like hip huggers, lol. And because the flap all sits pretty low, and my waist is starting to again be pretty small as compared to my rump, I still get some of the top part flapping issue. So...idk. It comes down to individual pairs of pants as to whether a particular rise fits. I can't just guess anymore. Ick.

Material

I need it to be stain resistant (well, at least kinda, as I wash white cloth diapers and get all the stains out, I'm a sort of guru), stretchy to accommodate yoga and chasing kids and dogs, and forgiving enough to disguise some minor lumps. Other needs: preferably doesn't magnet ALL OF THE DOG HAIR from a 3 mile radius to itself, doesn't snag too badly on broken nails, dogs, or toddler toys. Needs to tumble dry, but also look fine after being balled up in a corner for 3 weeks. Not shiny. Not see through. Thick enough that the knees won't tear out after 2 washes or my first tumble on the sidewalk. Because I fall down. Because I'm exhausted and clumsy and distracted.

Length/Climate Issues

Shorts need to not be huge and flapping, or riding up into my crotch and ass, 'nough said. Capris should hit just below the knee, because the ones that hit 3" above my ankles look funny and don't have any advantage over full length pants. Pants should just skim floor barefoot. So that when I go out in the wet with shoes, they don't get soaked, and so I don't walk on the hem and ruin them, but also not the 7/8 or ankle length pants that cause super cold ankles because I live in Illinois. I also like clothes that don't instantly go see through or lose all shape with just a little water on them (100% cotton, I'm talking to you!) I need slightly thinner stuff for the summer/late spring/early fall, and then double layer but not compression or bulky stuff for the rest of the year. I'm cool wearing a hoodie or pretty overshirt with long sleeves over a tank top in the winter though, so long as my pants are comfy, because inevitably with long warmish pants, I'll need to be in just a tank if I'm inside most people's houses because I don't like it to be 80 inside, lol.

Legging issues

Frequently they don't have pockets, and usually the rise is just wrong. If they're loose enough to be comfy they spin at the ankles and sag. If they're tight enough to stay put they are usually compression style and I can't wait to take them off. The comfy ones don't last more than a couple washes, and tend to come in obnoxious prints, and are freezing in the cold weather, oh, or transparent. So I'm sitting here wearing leg warmers because I'm freezing. No joke. Also, with the huge butt/skinny ankles they just aren't a great look for me unless I'm in a super long shirt.

Shirts

So assuming we've found something that is an okay material, the sleeves are okay, and the neckline isn't too high. That's good. But I still have more shirt problems here. First - nursing. I hate rolling the shirt up to nurse a kiddo from the bottom, because the shirt is either touching my throat or sitting on their face - no one is happy. So I need either a loose enough tank that I can pull the strap off my arm, or a low enough/stretchy enough neck I can just pull a boob out the top. Second, shirt can't be too baggy so that it's catching wind or drawers or who-knows-what. I didn't use to mind them being fitted pretty closely (not compression), but now that I have my ever so fun flap, it's hard to get it right. I don't want it to highlight my belly flap, so slightly looser is important to me. And length. Especially if I'm wearing leggings, I want it to at least skim the bottom of my butt, it makes me feel more dressed. And it can't roll up (not usually an issue now that I'm wearing them looser, but was a serious issue before that!) to my waist, or have it falling off my shoulders (remember, loose neckline), or just moving around a bunch so that I'm constantly adjusting it. I really really really don't like to have to think about my clothes. The last two considerations are mostly in regards to tank tops. 1 - arm holes need to be a reasonable size. Now that I'm wearing more like a L or XL sometimes the arm holes are trying to be slightly too big and are showing my bra. OR, current fashion is just bad an intends to have the arm holes flapping low. Not acceptable, due to the rule of not wearing two shirts. So arm holes need to be reasonable. 2 - the strap lines/back/etc needs to generally cover bra straps. I can accept that straps move out and peek, that's one thing, but another current fashion, likely due to the prevalence of the two shirt thing, is to have shirts have straps or a back that isn't even kinda the shape of bras, straps going in seriously weird directions, in wacky patterns, or a back that's pretty much fully lace or missing so that the entirety of the bra strap and/or back band is showing. No thanks.

So this doesn't leave a whole lot of clothes for me currently, because I'm apparently incurably picky and so out of trend that clothes I like aren't really made anymore.

But, here's some outfit pictures of things I've thrown together. Also, leg warmers have been importantly lately, and they also help me like leggings more - the look is more appealing to me, and my legs are cozy. They make me feel like my ankles don't look silly or make my butt look huge. They also make me feel like an amazing dancer (my first visual on leg warmers was the actors/actresses of the musical CATS, so that's what I always think of), and they make me happy. I don't even know if they're trendy right now or not, but with so many cropped pants and living in the Midwest...well, they SHOULD be trendy.

Postpartum Belly @ 5 months, relaxed

Postpartum belly @ 5 months, flexed

Same from the front, relaxed

And flexed, this shows the flap

Outfit is OK, shirt is slightly too tight on belly, but not bad. And I love that these pants aren't tapered to the ankles, so I love that, and they have pockets!

Loose fit maternity dress, it's mostly ok though, except sometimes the breasts get flashed out, and my infamous leg warmers because I have leggings underneath. But, no pockets in this outfit.

Not my favorite. Shirt slightly tighter than I like. It is too tight for leggings, but these aren't leggings. They're jogger sweats, with pockets. I wish they flared out instead of tapering with a cuff, but they're alright. They're baggy enough on top though that they don't show off my cute butt and thighs. But they also don't show off my belly or love handles, so that's nice.

This is a pretty good outfit. The shirt is good, though almost too transparent. Leggings are almost too bright. And a little tight. And no pockets. Plus leg warmers. 

Nice shirt, just flowy enough, but not quite wind catching. Wish it were a hair longer, then there's the leggings/no pockets/leg warmer thing

This is that shirt again, just slightly too short and tight for these leggings. Again no pockets.

My Feb 14th, anniversary of NIU school shooting, mourning outfit. Shirt works with these pants, too short for leggings, but decent with these pants and not too tight. Pants are super cute on me plus a couple pockets. Unfortunately the waistband is maternity, so sometimes it catches SOME shirts and emphasizes that. But not all shirts.

This is a shirt that is just a hair too tight, and then leggings/no pockets/leg warmers issue

Sat all by herself for 10 minutes. Pillow was only for catching, didn't support her. What a big girl.

Show Your Rare - rare disease ribbon diaper cover from a friend. Their denim ribbon is on it for rare genetic diseases. They have Hereditary Spherocytosis - round blood cells - think opposite of Sickle Cell. Carries risk to spleens and livers and immune issues.

This so looked like "sick with stomach bug on the couch" look. She was NOT sick, but this face was too funny. These are her new super baggy pajamas to fit over her overnight cloth diapers.

This FACE!!!

Big Boy Bed Part 3

Part 3: Aftermath

Taking apart his crib!

So after a week of sleeping mostly in his big boy bed, things seem to have settled down. Because our Legan is freaking awesome. 

But we have one slight issue, he's not napping. Now, he's getting the same general amount of sleep per 24 hours as he's going to bed earlier, because we're not crazy. But...he's a devil from 3 pm - 7 pm everyday. Losing his mind, can't stand to be around himself. Can't do anything, and isn't really eating dinner because he's too tired to function.

So after a week of telling him at quiet time that it's quiet time and he doesn't have to sleep...I decided to call it nap time again. 

Per his request, still putting a couple of books on the bed at his feet, but after nursing him laying down, I tuck him in. Hugs and kisses. Turn on his mobile (it only plays for about 5 minutes before winding down as it's a wind up music box style), hold his hand, tell him I love him and goodnight, and then leave. BUT, unlike the other days, between kisses and goodnight, I make a point to say that I would like him to sleep so that he feels better later.

Day 2 of this technique....and 2 naps accomplished, after a week without them. HOORAY!!!

4 Days, 3 naps. Not terrible. Let's see where this goes.

Now he can have his beanbag chair in his room!

Day 14 Well, we're on a rotating schedule. Maybe naps 2-3 days in a row, then skips 2-3 days, and then is too exhausted to function, and goes back to napping for a while, sometimes 4-6 days.

So I think this is just our new normal. Bedtime between 7:15 & 7:30 on no nap days, and between 8:15 & 8:45 for nap days. I think we can handle this. At least he's napping some days, he's learning to accept quiet time nicely. And, we now know that we can schedule things on some days and disregard nap time - because Jade can nap on the go in the carrier - so maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe this makes life a little easier for us to have a bunch of fun, when it's not colder than Mars outside (no joke).

Legan naptime Jade hugs

This is Jade's dog

Spock is a goofball. Fell asleep like that.

Legan was helping me make a cake! And real egg beaters are so much quieter when Jade is napping

She was holding herself up standing up, to eat the drawer

It's been a year since my grandfather passed. This was Legan hugging me during the funeral service

Very serious Legan loving on his mommy last year

Legan now, happy and reading books after nap time