Silencing My Voice

Quick recap: after my last blog post, I was approached on my Facebook Page and basically called a bad mom because I don't like my son and should never have had him, much less more kids. Funny enough, my last post was about how NOT to get pregnant right now while still feeding my son, so not sure what THAT was the avenue used to tell me to not have kids. Either way, I'm putting that post and all of its comments here, but removing the names out of politeness/safety. Only the one user actually offended me. Everyone else was generally polite, but still wanted me to stop being honest about my struggles and just be grateful to be a parent to a generally healthy baby boy. That very idea though is so scary to me. To tell people to NOT admit difficulties is a disservice to everyone. That silencing is what I truly feel leads to so much suicide, especially in minority groups. I feel that the whole category of "birth trauma" is still apparently up for debate in so many communities. Women are being told that because they and their baby survived and were healthy they are not allowed/supposed to feel traumatized by the experience - even if they have PTSD like symptoms. Well that's crap. For that reason, I had to post these.

Original Post was a link to my Birth Control post with this blurb:

"New blog post: 1/2 soapbox, 1/2 rant, but 100% educational!

Hey all, POSTPARTUM SEX HAS EVEN MORE REASON TO SUCK WHEN YOU'RE BREASTFEEDING!"

Here are the comments given afterward, generally chronologically.

• Person A: I'm sorry but seeing your blog and how you're constantly complaining about how horrible your infant child is, why would you want more? You don't even seem to want the one you have. You need major help and you're so attention grabby that you just put these things out there to have people make suggestions so you can play the victim and shut them down. Grow the hell up, comfort your child who OBVIOUSLY needs someone to love him and make him feel safe, go to the god damn doctor for all the supposed pain you're feeling, and talk to a very good psychological professional.

• Finding Balance Wellness Wow, thanks for your not even slightly constructive criticism. If you don't like what I have to say, no one forces you to read this at all. I'm sorry that me seeing a therapist and venting as part of my therapy in order to keep my sanity so obviously offends you. I'm further sorry that my infant being extremely crabby generally fussy and refusing to sleep a good chunk of the day means to you that I hate him. He's seeing 2-3 different therapists to get his actual physical issues taken care of. So I'm definitely confused as to what more help you think I need, since you are obviously an expert in my life-because you don't seem to be aware of any of the positives. I spend all day with him trying to keep him happy-I did more damage to my hips and pelvis trying to walk with him in his carrier to keep him comfortable. I miss meals to try to make him happy. I'm trying to find a doctor to see for myself but so far I've been ignored and had insurance change several times. But the funniest part is definitely that this post is all about my struggle to keep feeding him the best way I know how while making sure I DON'T conceive again. So trying not to have another kid. But being judgey is certainly helping you, so by all means keep it coming. I'm sure it's incredibly helpful for you and it certainly does me a lot of good too. 
• Person B: I think your messages would be more well received and sympathetic if you tried to be more positive. Rather than what seems like complaining about everything. Motherhood and postpartum is hard but focusing on the joy of it does a lot better then just focusing on the negatives.
• Finding Balance Wellness If anyone actually follows me on Facebook, I find I generally am rather positive. There are a ton of pictures of him and me smiling, and not a small amount of happy videos. Most of the complaining I do on my blog even is about the healthcare system and such-not about my son.
• Person B: I'm not even talking about just your son but in this article you even titled it "why it sucks even more" not something about the difficulty in choosing a pp BC which is more neutral. Or do a post on the positives that come with pp.
• Finding Balance Wellness I think the state of healthcare in this country is deplorable. The fact that reversible birth control for men is limited largely to condoms seems ridiculous. This is infuriating to me. As a feminist. So I'm not neutral about this topic. I think it sucks that I need to screw with my hormones to get better that a 90% chance of safety, when hormones can mess with moods. Again, though, if you don't like my views, then I'm not sure why you read this?
• Finding Balance Wellness I'm not out demanding nice comments, but I don't go out and post negative ones in anyone else's space. Feel free to unfriend or unfollow me if you don't like me. Why keep following me just to step in and tell me I'm a bad mom when you don't know much about my life? You're not doing a public service keeping tabs on me.
• Person C: Hi there. I stumbled on your blog because it shows up on my feed when a mutual friend comments on it. So your blog is probably unintentionally showing up on a lot of people's feeds, people who do not necessarily follow you. Maybe you're using your blog to vent but whatever you put out on the Internet is subject for judgment and discussion. A lot of the things in your blogs are triggers for people, especially people who have difficulty conceiving, people with supply issues, or mothers who are proud of their CS and are offended by the term "artificial birth". This page is public, right? That means anyone can come on here and disagree and give their opinions just like they do on the huffington post or scary mommy. With that said, I don't comment on your personal page because I don't want to get shot down. In many of your posts you complain about things and when your friends give you suggestions, you instantly shoot them down. Maybe you don't notice it but every time someone suggests something you say that doesn't work or you have an excuse. I watched the last video of your baby crying and it made me so sad. We had nap issues a few weeks ago, it was rough. I have tons of ideas on how to put a baby to sleep but I'm afraid to offer them to you based on how you've shot down everyone else's help/advice. I think you have a beautiful and wonderful baby. I love seeing his smiley pictures and reading about how he sleeps through the night. So many moms would die for a healthy and happy baby. Perhaps you do not know how lucky you are. Maybe expressing gratitude and positivity will in turn bring you more positivity in your life.
• Finding Balance Wellness Thank you for your thoughts. I do my very best not to judge others for their views. Not that I mean to say you are judging. But I don't post that other people can't be or shouldn't be happy with their situations. I didn't have the typical surgical birth. Maybe if I had I would feel differently. But I was abused during mine. I'm not sure how talking about that trauma takes away from people very happy with their c section. Blunt honesty has always been my style, as I believe it's terribly sad when anyone is censored from expressing their pain, or made to feel ashamed of it. So I refuse to be silent about my difficulties. If I bottled it up and only talked about happy things I would explode out somewhere. Right now I don't have any ability to physically vent anything, so I do as I must with my words I'm sorry if you find them hurtful or offensive, they certainly aren't intended to be.
• Person C: I understand and you shouldn't be silent about your struggles but just find gratitude for that amazing little babe you got. You know the frustrations that have been expressed aren't coming from a bad place. People are rooting for you to find happiness.
• Finding Balance Wellness Some of them have been expressed from a good place. And someone suggested I don't even like my own child. That wasn't a suggestion coming from a good place
• Person D: So I actually love this. Why? Birth control just kinda sucks. Most of my sex ed was about the same as the scene from Mean Girls. I never knew most of what your blog covers could be an issue. I'm glad you've brought some of these to light and have managed not to sugar coat it.

I cried pretty much all day from Person A's comments. I struggle enough wondering if I can take care of him and whether I deserve him and if he would have been better off adopted out to some other family. So I just bawled today, again and again. On the other hand, I honestly think Person B & Person C were coming to me out of goodness and sincerely meant well. I'm not going to say they didn't make any good points at all. But I will note that their intent was still to convince me to sugarcoat my experience before blogging or sharing it. That just isn't what I do this for and the very idea behind it is somewhat damaging to me and to others. I will not only share my positives. I share when I'm happily breastfeeding my little guy in a parking lot on the way to someone's house because he couldn't make it. I share sleepy co-sleeping pics in the mornings, and adorable baby-babbles. But sometimes I have to share about uncontrollable crying for hours. Because sharing it helps me get through it. 

So I wrote a second post on Facebook tonight in support of myself and my opinion, but I realized it more belonged here. It follows in blue, with a link to a great article. But first, adorable baby. :)

Finding Balance Wellness

***disclaimer: on this post and this post alone I will be removing any & all negative comments***

This is my final statement on this matter, but this article really drives home so much of my points.
For those that think TL;DR, check out this article http://www.xojane.com/issues/unhappy-moms-and-happy-moms

"In other words, if we let parents complain about parenting, everyone will be happier -- a paradox right after my own heart."

I write a blog mostly for me, so that I have an outlet for everything. I love when I can share a great happy outburst, and I do, as much as I can. At the same time, I have had a terribly fucking hard year. I've moved cross country, twice, lost most of our savings, lost a career opportunity, got pregnant, and had a somewhat difficult 3rd trimester where I was contracting for basically 8 weeks straight. Then I was stopped from having a vaginal birth even though baby was in the birth canal, not under distress, and not stuck. He was delivered via a basically unmedicated c-section, and he was a month early. He lived in the NICU for 20 days, while I did my best to provide all of the food, warm, and cuddles I was capable/allowed. He came home and is a beautiful loving boy. However, he's on medication for reflux, we had a ton of problems with breastfeeding due to my breasts attempting to drown him regularly (yes, that's a thing - oversupply can be rough too!), and his allergies. In attempting to deal with his poor unhappy tummy, he managed to become what I lovingly call a "velcro" baby who hates being put down. On top of that, my pregnancy and delivery has still left me with discomfort that I haven't been able to fix yet. Some is due to doctors disregarding me, some is due to the fact that we have a combined 2-4 appointments a week. You see, my son is seeing 2-4 different therapists a month to attempt to get him caught up developmentally. I'm seeing a therapist to attempt to deal with the trauma of feeling people cut me open, especially when there's a very real chance he would have been delivered vaginally safely. So time isn't on my side. So while I would love to just strap him into my various baby carriers and walk him around for hours a day to his heart's content - getting me & my dog healthy and in shape at the same time and getting me out of the house - I can't. I took two hour long walks on back to back days this week, and ended up not sleeping much for the next 3 days because I had shooting pains in my pubic bone from lingering SPD everytime I moved my legs at all. So YES, I am STRUGGLING! I take as many pictures and videos of my little guy as I can when he's happy, to help me through the times he's crying and I've exhausted all of my ideas for settling him down. I tell everyone about as many happy moments as I can - because I want to and I have to. But reading blogs and articles and posts that all gloss over the difficulties of mothering a new baby just depresses me because it makes me feel like I am a failure. Reading more and more and more about how "easy" and "fun" this is supposed to be just rubs all my struggles in my face. Being told I'm a bad mom just rolls all of my own fears and guilt back at me.

So I write my blog. Not just to vent, but because I know out there, there are OTHER moms who struggle. We don't love our babies less, we don't want OUT of motherhood (probably, at least I don't), but telling us to pretend we don't struggle, silencing our voices when we tell about unpleasant TRUTHS? Why would that help? I already feel alone enough. Telling me that blogs shouldn't focus on negatives means that my life is a lie. Would it be OK to tell rape victims that they should just be happy they didn't get murdered? I thought not. I mean, yeah, they are grateful to have their lives (I've been there and I am, so I can say that), but that doesn't take their pain or humiliation away. So why tell someone who suffered a birth trauma that they should just be happy they have a healthy baby? I love him, he's sweet, he's adorable, and generally he just loves me (or at least my boobs) more than he can explain. But sometimes he's just hard, and just unhappy. But I will tell my story, because other desperate, alone, scared, depressed moms who need to know that it's OK to not be happy all the time and that they don't have to hide all of their feelings.

If I make you uncomfortable, then please, don't read. You don't need to. But silencing women who are hurting is just another form of taking away our rights, labeling people as crazy when they struggle. Please don't bully, don't try to sweep pain under the rug, and don't pretend that struggles aren't real.