Recovery has been what feels like a disaster to me. Everyone else seems split into two camps. There's a vast amount of people who tell me I'm doing great. They usually haven't actually timed out though how long it's been and how limited I still feel. There's a second group that have assured me from day one that by 3 months out (which is less than a week away!) I should be at about 97% of normal and will get the rest back shortly and seem to be surprised that I'm not, but try to make me feel better with statements like "everyone heals at a different pace." Ok, yes that's true. That being said I'm generally young and healthy and I was in fantastic shape for pregnancy and stayed active and have always healed quickly before. I don't think I'm being a baby about pain as I certainly know a thing or two about what I can and can't handle.
So here's the before shot, June 4th, two days before surgery:
Considering this is supposed to be 5 weeks prior to birth, I think I look huge here, but in a good way. There's also no stretch marks and I'm in general feeling alright when he's not abusing my ribcage - with the exception of my pelvis feeling like it's trying to rip itself apart. Next came my "delivery" from hell. I still prefer to call it the surgery - I didn't give birth to my son, he was forcibly ripped from me.
So here's 3 days later. Pluses: incision looks fabulous. Minuses: I still look much larger than I expected and I now have stretch marks.
Granted, I didn't think I was going to be tiny immediately afterward, but I have good core muscles and have had many young in-shape friends give birth and shrink back pretty quickly. Apparently that's only a thing for vaginal delivery. Surgical delivery majorly distends your abdomen more than it would otherwise be (though still smaller than pre-delivery) due to trapped air, damaged core muscles, surgical swelling, and overstretching of tissues beyond pregnancy amounts. At this point, I was still in hospital #2 but as a guest as I was not patient. I was still bleeding like crazy and not able to get myself in and out of bed unassisted. Getting down onto toilet was a mostly upperbody workout and pumping overnight with no assistance was awful due to having to lean forward.
6 days afterwards:
And here is 12 days. At this point, I'm at least able to regularly hold him, and sometimes feed him a little. So emotionally I'm in a better place. Physically I'm starting to come around.
In both of these sets, the left photo is natural while the right is sucked in/flexed.
I'm now able to pick up some things off the floor if they're super light and easy to grab - have to have handles about a foot off the ground. This is taken just after we moved back into our own house, I've just started driving just a little, so I can turn and look over my shoulder.
These are at 18 days out, showing off the girdle I wore for the first 6 weeks, during the day only for the most part, I was WAY too hot to sleep in it.
There's nothing empowering to me about these photos here. The girdle was itchy and pinchy and rode up every single time I moved or sat down - which was a lot. At this point, we're preparing for Legan to come home and my boobs were starting to get fed from - thus acquiring their now customary mis-matched sizing.
Two days later, this is the day he came home, 20 days past surgery:
I'm starting to be able to lift him comfortably most of the time, but even picking him up from the bed or his bassinet is hard and uncomfortable. Nursing him does involve weird positions to avoid pressure. I am having to figure out laundry at home which means carrying stuff up and down the stairs - I feel like I'm in my 70s, but I'm managing. Letting the dog out during the day is a huge chore - 6 steps down and back up. So tired of bleeding by now. It stopped right about here, just to start back up again - 2 more times.
Here's 31 days - that's a month post surgery.
Still feeling pretty large and squishy. Incision is now bothering me - it looks nicely healed but not only is it creating a pooch above it but if I touch it I can feel the layers and layers of scarring underneath. I'm just now starting to be able to touch my toes if I move terribly slowly. Still doing all of my lifting with my back specifically - so definitely only light items. Laundry is getting easier thankfully, but bleeding is ramping up. I'm starting to take super short walks outside, but they bring on more bleeding. No other exercise.
One week after those, this was 5 weeks post-surgery and the day of my final regular postpartum check up. I was cleared for any and all physical activity I wanted though I have to admit, they didn't really ask me what my abilities were or how I felt about that.
The bottom photo I'm sucking in/flexing again. It doesn't look that bad if you don't know how I started. My boobs are still much larger than they started at. Also, my lower abdomen was usually significantly smaller than upper and/or ribcage area and it still is slightly larger. I'm still taking tiny short walks because I'm still bleeding. Still struggling with laundry and I managed to take out the trash once, but it was really really hard. I feel like a total failure. If Legan had been healthy and come home with me 4 days post surgery at the latest, I would have had to hire help or something. I don't know who could have helped me out during the day but I absolutely would have needed some as I'm barely managing it by myself 5 weeks later...
I laugh at my midwife suggesting I could have sex...uh no. I still struggle to put pants on without pain.
This is 49 days post-surgery, that's 7 weeks. Still bleeding a little on and off. Finally starting to feel somewhat capable. I am now taking longer walks, though if I'm babywearing at the time I move slowly.
Pelvis is still unstable so I'm still working on comfort. I decided that walking is my only real exercise for a while still, though I'm taking time to start stretching my core some finally.
Here is almost 2 months after surgery. Finally got pre-pregnancy jeans on for the first time. Happy about that, but they are my "fat" jeans and they look and feel terrible still.
The muffin top is just not something I think I'll get used to. I'm feeling well enough at this point to take mile and half walks. Picking up Legan or Barley from the floor is a slow process now but not painful anymore. I'm lifting the stroller in and out of the trunk. Bleeding is just now stopping. I'm still not really ready for any further workouts but tightening my abs several times a day.
Here's 12 weeks out. I'm refused to take anymore sucking in or flexed shots. Even those still aren't showing me flat like I once was. I'm 5 lbs heavier than pre-pregnancy, but I'm actually comfortable with that as I'm breastfeeding and I think my body could use the extra reserves.
I took the bottom photo in my outfit from my weekly pregnancy shots. I still look at about the 8-9 week mark here if not slightly larger. I find that pretty depressing. In the last month I have at least made some fitness strides. I'm comfortable walking 4 + miles, and I can do it while wearing him or pushing a stroller. Picking things up from the ground isn't an issue. I was able to ride my horse just a little bit about 2 weeks ago. I felt alright, but it did put some pressure on my pelvis that still doesn't feel right.
I started a small exercise program just this week. I didn't think I was going to ever need to follow my own advice, but here's my plan for now. I'm still working up to this. I've had some time spent with Legan held up on my shins while I'm on my back. That's really challenging for me right now. I can do push ups, but only from my knees and only 5 at a time. I'm doing squats, but 15 at a time is my limit. I feel really really weak still.
I tried to run just a few steps the other day. It was a no-go. My pelvis is not quite stable yet, but on top of it I felt pulling and discomfort behind my incision. I guess my organs and stuff just aren't altogether healed up yet. It's really difficult for me to embrace this. I went into pregnancy feeling young, thin, strong, and hot. I now feel old, fat, ugly, and weak. I'm trying really hard, but I'm starting to feel that my body will never fully recover - I'll never be back to where I was - and that's hard as an athlete. Just doing 3 yoga positions and 3 sets of 5 push ups from knees leaves my core painfully sore for hours and still mildly sore for a day or two. I have tons more gray hair, and I still have to be careful. I can't roughhouse, and even some of the cuddling I was did with my husband is physically uncomfortable for my lower abdomen (and sometimes my too full or too chewed on breasts). I'm not sure what I have to do to get back to running other than wait - I don't know how to get my pelvis back to functioning.
I feel like all c-sections should come with in house physical therapy starting at 8 weeks postpartum. I don't know how I could possibly get to and participate in a PT visit outside of my home as I wouldn't have anything to do with Legan, but if someone could come to by home once a week for a couple months maybe we could make some headway.
Instead I'll just have to figure something out myself and hope that my pelvis tightens up. Until then I'm a walker only, and I have to stay away from horseback riding and climbing. I feel pretty well beat up still. I'm maybe at 80-85% of normal abilities.
I'm also trying to figure out how to cope with the visual of my floppy, scarred, and stretch marked abdomen. I can't accept the visual as me. I'm not ashamed to have other people see it, but it almost disgusts me, so I don't want to look.
Wondering if getting my belly button re-pierced (it apparently closed up in the last 6 months) would help me feel more normal, or horrify me because it emphasizes the difference.
I haven't yet decided.
Either way, nearly 3 months out and I'm still feeling the affects strongly. The recovery here is a bitch.
Next episode coming up: the ridiculousness of postpartum birth control
In the meantime a couple of cute baby photos!
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