Balancing Me Time with High Needs Baby

For anyone struggling with a HNB (High Needs Baby INSERT FREAKING LINK HERE) you are faced with a connundrum - finding enough time to recharge in your day. Well hell, everyone has the same one and it's definitely increased with a parent, but I think the HNB really brings this to the forefront.

It's all about balancing your recharging time with your stress. If you don't get enough recharging time, you don't dissipate enough stress and your require even MORE "me time." However, if you take too much time, it can just cause additional stress from neglecting other important duties in your day.

You can really only let him chew on the butt cream jar for so long...

I went into motherhood knowing that a lot of my personal time was going to be eaten up. That didn't outwardly bother me. I figured I'd have naps plus a little time after he was in bed to myself.

First - that didn't take into account that naps were hilariously short for the first 6 ish month. Also, I have to physically take care of myself/a few things in the house first before I can mentally unwind. Things like eating lunch, changing the laundry, brushing my teeth, showering, etc. I do as much as I can with him - like folding laundry or washing a couple of quick dishes. But until about 2 weeks ago I would get a 35 minute nap. I didn't get to leave the room until about 5-10 min into that time. Which left NOT enough time to get done my physical essentials, much less get any mental downtime.

I'm not sleeping mom!

Secondly - my little man is a HNB. Sometimes if I'm in the same room and he has toys or food or his water cup to play with he will give me 10 minutes to get something done. If he's tired or teething though, not so much. If I just try to power through it and do what I have to while he's fussy/crying in the other room though it all adds up to more stress. Then it takes me much more time to calm him down once I focus on him. So I have the stress of his stress adding into mine, and for even longer. I've found that if he's having a fussy day I'm best off doing the ABSOLUTE minimum I can preferably with him in a carrier. Get diapers washed, get teeth brushed, but maybe avoid my banking and such for a different day. This way, at least what I do get done gets done well, and him crying doesn't frazzle me worse.

He thinks the changing table is now the place for gymnastics...and rolls away from his diapers or kicks the new ones off while I'm trying to fasten.

Hey mom, just give me the spray bottle, OK? Or I'll scream.

So on the hard days, I have pretty much no recharging time if I keep him entertained. However, at least if I'm keeping him smiling I have some positive energy coming in. If I spend a fussy day trying to be super busy I do a terrible job at accomplishing my tasks, and I end up also more stressed due to auditory assault and feeling like a not-great mom letting him fuss by himself, so I am MORE in need of recharging and still don't have time to do it.

Seeing him covered in chocolate doesn't reduce my stress. Laughing at his huge mess did a little bit though, thanks GiGi!

I have had so many people try to offer to hang out with him in another room so I can get stuff done. But this is mentally more taxing on me because it's taxing him. So to me that's a last resort, if I had to for instance do something on the computer with a deadline and it HAD to happen right now. But putting off his feeding just for me to have "me time" rebounds in a terrible way - it's not relaxing time for me if I can hear him crying, and if I then have to spend MORE time playing or snuggling him to settle him down when I come back into the room then I haven't saved up time.

Either way, it is more profitable to my mental and emotional health to do my best to keep him in a good mood when I can. Then he'll sleep better and I have longer quieter naps, plus the downtime I have is more restful.

Sometimes I can give him to my husband and hid for a little while. Legan just LOVES his daddy. So then sometimes I mean to get away for a bit but instead just enjoy watching these two bring each other joy....and taking pictures. 

Now, I'm lucky that he's awake for long enough for me to get a good workout in at the gym, plus a quick shower, and to get home and put him down for a nap at the CORRECT time instead of late. So now I can actually get some real downtime during the day for the first time in a long time. It's terribly lovely.

Tired, sweaty, and thirsty, but feeling emotionally pretty good. Physically maybe a little beat up, but that's OK

It's been imperative in my new life to just accept his naps as they are and to accept that some days I can only do the minimum in order to have a positive day with him. If I try to do more than he can handle, or try to make him nap more than he wants to that day I end up in a constant struggle with him - either a struggle of wills or a struggle of keeping him entertained enough without directly paying attention - and I regret the whole day and have added stress.  I have to be chill and accept his day, be happy with him, have my fun with him, and then I'm at least giving myself some joy. Then I can wait until he's in bed and take an hour to myself. I don't need a ton of recharging time, just some.

This day his water cup was all that kept him from crying. YAY! I found him something safe to do while I did a little writing. 

Granted, that means finding time for my husband is difficult too. Working out has helped immensely though - we can do it together or separate, and either way I still get some me-time out of it.

Working very hard to get my life back - the life of eating right, exercising some, and moving forward in life instead of the stagnant couch potato life. It's a work-in-progress as per usual.

Letting baby lead my days is better than trying to drag him into the day I want though.

Starting the day with a bang!

Spoiled vs Supported - Caring for a High Needs Baby

Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one and most of them stink!

I love the quote, even though I don't really believe in it. Opinions are good, and everyone has a ton of them. Where you start running into issues though is when people try to force you to agree with them, or try to tell you that you're doing it wrong. In fact, I wrote a whole blog post about being mom-shamed and how irritating it is to be told that you're parenting wrong. However, there's another aspect on this one that I want to touch upon. 

Hey, he's sleeping, isn't that good enough for you? So I nursed him to sleep, SO FREAKING WHAT?

Countless times I've been told "Don't do (insert lifesaving technique that I NEED), you'll spoil him." Or even "I can see why he cries when you put him down, if all you do is (insert fun thing that makes baby smile here.)" Oh dear, really? Is this necessary? Are you telling me that I can't play with the little monster when he's happy? Are you suggesting that me doing what I have to do to get him to sleep is spoiling him? Well, personally it's my opinion that you can't spoil a baby.

Can children be spoiled? Oh hell yes. Can a tiny infant? Nope. Can an older infant? Potentially, but only a little bit. The thing is, infants NEED constant attention of a variety.  

So I shall here introduce the concept of a High Needs Baby. This isn't just me. This is a real life thing. I have no doubt I was a HNB - I was a total disaster until 9 months old-wherein I became a model citizen until roughly 12/13 because hormones are awful things. TL:DR on High Needs? An infant that falls into the upper 10% category of difficult to handle and keep happy regardless of parenting techniques or parental personality.

Gotta keep him entertained even while I'm brushing my teeth.

Hey, so he's eating the shower curtain, but he's allowing me to brush my teeth and/or poop while I can watch him!

Here's how I tend to define the difference between high needs and spoiled. 

A spoiled baby continues being unhappy even after you lavish attention on them, because they've learned to keep protesting to get even more rewards. A high needs baby NEEDS a lot of attention to be happy, they don't have the skills or temperament to just be content (yet). 

That being said, Legan is generally a super happy dude when people meet him. There's a reason for that. His favorite climate is out and about, surrounded by people in his face talking to him and laughing at/with him. He needs a ridiculous amount of social interaction to be kept happy. Granted, this makes my life easier in some ways - bring him with everywhere and anywhere - no problems with having a social life during the day or seeing friends and family. Other times it's awful - maybe I'm sick, the weather sucks, or we've been on the go for days straight and now I need some downtime at home to recharge - in fact I HATE crowds - and he ends up terribly fussy because he's totally understimulated by just having my face to look at all day. So I'm trying to recharge myself, and as a middling introvert I need that time, and Legan turns it into super stressful because being home RUINS HIS GROOVE. Sigh.

He's finally getting old enough to entertain himself for at least a little while...So he helps "fold" diaper laundry.

So excited when he saw how much there was.

Loves digging his fingers into all the fabric.

Doing the taste test to make sure they're clean and soap free!

I did not intend to end up strictly co-sleeping, or with him only napping in my bed. I don't WANT to have him only nap happily in the car or carrier. But let me tell you, trying to mess with his "necessary" routines as he sees them totally doesn't work. 

We even have feeding issues now - he can only stand to nurse with me lying down face to face with him. He nurses great in this position - but it's not real friendly for out and about. But if I try to nurse him any other way he goes to BLOODCURDLING SCREAMS. Or just doesn't eat - which ruins his sleep that night if he holds off on feeding much during the day.

This is how I have accepted nursing sessions when I'm not trying to get him down for a nap or bed.

If I try to put him down to sleep "drowsy but awake" he just screams for hours. So while he's not picky on so many things, it's best for us if we really get into his face and talk to him, and let him sleep with us at night, and that I lay down with him to get him nurse. He will not require nursing to sleep for the rest of his life/childhood. He will move out of our bed when the time is right - he won't be sleeping with us into kindergarten (probably), and definitely not into high school. At some point he'll become a teen boy with his own wants and needs that definitely don't involve sleeping in bed with his totally uncool parents.

Baby jail for safety, but tons of toys to keep him from screaming!

This is such a short time in our lives, especially with him as a baby, that I want to remember it as a happy time. So I bend to his needs, because his little psyche really needs it. Maybe it's because I was a terrible sleeper as an infant, or maybe because I was on my feet and on the go all day most days of pregnancy. Who knows? But me going along with his sensory needs to keep him on an even keel is worth it to me. 

My little Legan is an incredibly smart little man, and maybe once his body catches up to his mind, he'll be able to entertain himself better, or maybe he'll be one that roams the neighborhood with all the kids for hours in the summer, and has a huge group of friends in high school and college, and ends up loving living with roommates. Maybe he'll either find another couple to house share with or just end up with a huge family as an adult. Who knows. What I do know right now though is my little guy needs people to interact with to keep him charged up and ready for the day. 

So we do it, as much as we can. 

Please, everyone, come visit/have us visit with our baby!

Missed two naps by then, but he was in all of his elements: water and company!

My HNB loves to go swimming, so sue me!

And just for fun, here's a humor article about dealing with a HNB.

Fun Videos

Just a post with a few videos, one is almost a month old, but he's adorable in the lazy river.

And this is our video of his 8 month old photo shoot. Or at least, what was supposed to be his photo shoot. He was all over the place. 

OMG 8 months old!

Lookout world, he's coming for you!

Legan update!

Weight:  nearly 21lbs 

Length: "

Head: "

Percentiles: %, %, and % in that order.

New Skills: Sitting up alone, leaning to pick up toys without falling over, getting Cheerio sized pieces into his mouth. Playing the "wa-wa-wa" game with his mouth and hand alone. He does scoot backwards on his tummy.

Likes: Swimming, getting snuffled by dogs, playing with hair and mouths (preferably yours), rough housing, singing and dancing, and rolling away from diaper changes.

Dislikes: His changing table, nursing in public, missing out on ANYTHING EVER, being alone.

Tummy problems: Hard to say. We've done some dairy trials and he appears significantly less sensitive, so I'm going back on dairy very slowly-just remembering to keep it down to every other or every third day in order to help not cause chaos for him. We've also started decreasing his Zantac dose though, as we no longer have to give it on a completely empty stomach so we're definitely moving in the right direction.

Eating progress: He's still loving his meals. Broccoli and carrots are some favorites, along with pineapple. He had his first chocolate chip cookie, and a pea sized amount of cake. He will eat just about anything, but he has just as much fun smooshing it into his face or high chair tray. 

Chicken

Asparagus

Not quite in yet...

Sleeping: We've started making real strides here I think....He's down for 11-12 hours at night. The amount of wake ups still varies but it's usually only 2 or 3. Occasionally we still get a terrible day with more like 6, but they've become rarer. His naps have finally started to even out - we're down to 2 naps a day, and he does best awake ~3 hours every time. Each nap is now usually between 60 and 90 minutes so HOORAY! Hence why I've managed to write more blog posts!

Clothing sizes: Still fitting into some 9 month and filling in the rest with 12 months. 

Other new updates: First tooth isn't quite through yet, but we can feel it pushing! He's also started to roll to get around the room and is doing some transitions from sitting to tummy, and starting to put some weight on his knees. 

Practicing getting into the Pigeon yoga pose!

 Mommy Update!

Finally at least got some information on my insurance. For some reason it was canceled on 11/1, and back on 2/1 for no reason I know. So now it's just newly reinstated and I did get my card, so now I can try to get in somewhere.

I've kinda thrown my home workout out the window for now, as I'm moving forward with getting to the rec center twice a week, plus once for swimming. Finally starting to lose that last 10 lbs. It will take a few weeks to see if I can comfortably fit into some of my old pants, so we'll have to monitor that.

Physical stuff: Same old same old incision irritation. Pelvis is still limiting. I'm afraid to ride. It aches for 2-3 days after every time I go to the gym. I stay away from any real impact - no jumping at all. I'm hoping to try out a lite cardio class and a yoga class out of curiosity. We'll see how it goes. Working on getting my guide together as I slowly test things out. 

Emotionally: Doing a little bit better here if only because I'm better able to sleep as well as get a little baby downtime during the day. That's a huge benefit for me. Also, after a few weeks where we were trying to figure out a new schedule for him there was just constant stress - so it's nice to now have a loose set of guidelines that work.

It's still very hard to hear from people either that healing will just happen (it's been 8 months guys!) or to hear people telling me how great I look. Ok, but I FEEL like a trainwreck, I'm physically limited and it has nothing to do with my bladder.

Tentatively planning a camping trip for this summer. Will I be able to hike? If nothing much changes, then no. But I will go, and I will canoe, and I will have fun dammit!

I heard from one more woman who had terrible SPD during a pregnancy that didn't heal up. She apparently did PT for a full year and it improved a bit, however she still can't ride a horse or run nearly 2 years later even though she was a runner and rider before too. She was also told that her long term permanent disability will likely increase if she has anymore children. She's planning on it. That all scares me more. 

I'm working on doing more blog posts and doing more work from home. It supplements income, and gives me some semblance of a purpose that doesn't physically hurt me. And I take more and more baby pictures. 

WHOA!

This is his preferred napping pose. Hugging the bed.

Frozen waffles are good for sore gums.

Batman likes to eat mirrors!

Teething baby likes his pacifier as we steam in the bathroom to clean out nose before bed.

Happier baby in my favorite diaper after a morning steam.

Testing out the gate!

Getting some noodles in

Another cute diaper

Fluff butt trying to get on his knees

This is our "I love superbowl snacks, and HOORAY touchdown" face, complete with sweet potato on the nose.

Surreptitiously trying to eat his pillow

Hungry baby eats mommy's face

Polo baby looks too grown up!

This face needs a meme.

I want to eat the blocks!

He's up to something.

Caught in the act!

Rolling away and eating a rattle.

And done...

Funny video of him while I was trying to take photos, apologies it's dark.