Dishwashers

Ok, so home appliances aren't my normal topic of convo here, but, hear me out.

Balance. And in this case balance between housework and rest.

Also related, compromise, which is a balance between two opposing (peoples') needs.

In our case, dishwashers are also related to the balance between needs and wants financially.

It's another magnet decorating surface around these parts 

I wanted a dishwasher because the extra 30 minutes per day of doing dishes while at least one kiddo is napping is hard. Because sometimes that 30 minutes means losing out on my only 30 minutes that day to sit and even sorta relax.

And because when my husband gets home, he wants a little time to himself at some point, and I need him to take the kids even if it means me doing other housework...but I'm so tired of cracked bleeding hands. And so tired of never being able to get to my kitchen sink/faucet because both sides of the sink are full all the time - one side clean one side dirty. All the time.

But our kitchen is tiny. So tiny. And if we were to lose space to even a narrow built-in dishwasher, we'd lose almost 1/6 of our total kitchen cabinet space. So that's a giant nope.

Redoing our kitchen (and replacing the 30 year old appliances) is definitely in our goals, but not at this minute. Because we'll want to do a good job and make more space and put in a pantry, and a real dishwasher. But we definitely don't have thousands of dollars right now, lol.

Also, Eric, my husband, doesn't do many dishes. And he doesn't care about piles of dishes on the counter. Or using dirty dishes again, because "we are just putting leftovers of the same food back on them anyway." Seriously, you can't make this shit up. So spending money on a dishwasher is super low on his priority list.

SO....I found a compromise, a way to balance.

Portable dishwasher yo.

Which is extra hilarious because our poor realtor showed us so many houses for so many months and everytime we saw one with YET ANOTHER PORTABLE DISHWASHER he'd remind us that he hadn't seen one in 10 years before us. We joked that we couldn't buy our house because it didn't have one. He let me know afterward that he hasn't seen a portable dishwasher since. It's a running joke.

But, my friend had one she didn't need. And a generous relative sent us a financial gift. And we were hosting Thanksgiving.

So we picked up our brand-new-to-us-only portable dishwasher. And I washed it. And scrubbed it. And ran it empty. Oh, and I looked up the manual online, because I'm savvy and cool and stuff.

Super not fancy

Doesn't hold a ton, but every little bit helps!

It's kinda inconvenient when it's running

I am SO SO SO SO happy with it, especially as we just ran it like 10 times in the two days after Thanksgiving, and then only had maybe 2 other dishes to wash from that event. So hooray.

BUT...the manual didn't include some really important pointers for the Portable Dishwasher Rookies out there. Don't learn from us.

I mean, OK, maybe most of it is common sense, but when you've got a newborn and a toddler and they both keep getting colds, it's not as clear to you...I swear.

First, there's an adaptor that attaches to your kitchen sink to hook it up. It's NOT AT ALL efficient to take that on and off each time because screwing two wet metal pieces together sucks. Just leave it on. It doesn't look awesome, but you'll get over it.

The hoses aren't long enough, so it's just going to be in your way. Even though it's possible to hit a button to shoot some water out of your sink while it's hooked up, it's not worth it.

Related to the point above, there's an order to this madness. First put your final dishes into the dishwasher, make sure you're happy with what's in there and THEN hand wash your couple of large or delicate items, and FINALLY hook up and run the dishwasher at the end. A normal built in dishwasher you can wash stuff by hand while it's running, but not this one.

Empty the sink while it's running. No really. One single plate can and will inevitably cover up the drain and the dishwasher emptying will overflow your sink.

Turn the faucet ON after you hook up the hoses. Not before, and don't forget to do it, or it won't run.

Accept the fact that your outlet in the kitchen will probably "pop" about half the time it runs. If you're lucky like we are, it pops at the end, but if you don't notice that and try to use the outlet later for, say, a load of dishes....hitting on won't help you.

It runs a dry cycle after the wash. Don't unhook the hoses or turn the sink off for this. Seriously. If you unhook it and coil the hose - you'll flood your kitchen as it does a final pump out at the very end. If you turn the sink water off, the pump out doesn't work at well and the machine gets mad at you and beeps incessently, probably while you're sleeping, just to piss you off. Wait until it's ALL THE WAY DONE before unhooking. Trust me.

And really, the main important ones pertain to unhooking. Once it's done, you can unplug and unhook and shove cords and hoses back into it. But...turn the water off before you unhook it. Otherwise spray everywhere. Like a keg if you don't get the line all the way hooked up and you decide to turn the CO2 on. If you've never bartended, trust me on that one. Especially if you're at the beginning of a long shift and have somewhere to be afterwards, because beer showers just aren't fun. And even if you've managed to remember to turn the faucet off, you still want to hit the "let the water out" escape button because this depressurizes the hoses. If you don't, it's a SMALLER shower. And then shake the hoses out for a while. My husband taught me this, if only he applied it to other areas in life as diligently....

So there you have it, your official DON'T FLOOD ANYTHING BECAUSE IT REALLY SUCKS guide to using a portable dishwasher. 

Because sometimes both kiddos are sad and exhausted and need milkies

He needed two cups a once

We don't have enough words to describe this dog. And these two are just buddies.

Finally learning how to get stuff to her mouth to chew

Holiday Spirit/Confession

I'll try to make this brief. It's about 3 am and I just put the baby back down to sleep. Luckily, it was for the first time tonight. Frequently by now it's the second or even third time.

I'm so tired of stigma. This particular time I'm thinking of every time I'm unhappy or struggling, instantly someone thinks of or asks about PPD/A (postpartum depression/anxiety). And while that's a very real fear/concern and it doesn't exactly get talked about enough, at least for me a lot of my feelings aren't just hormonal. They're lack of sleep, loss of normal life....things, and a lack of support. It's not that people don't love me/us or care, but it's that everyone is busy in their own lives and I get that. I do. But that doesn't always make it easy.

You see, I'm tired. And not just I-haven't-slept-for-more-than-4-hours-but-usually-only-1.5-hours-in-weeks tired, but exhausted of trying to be "good."

This isn't a dig at anyone BTW, it's just an overwhelming feeling from everyone and everything.

Kids are HARD. And we have the only ones. I love my kids and they're awesome, but when the overwhelming vast majority (think every single event in our family & pre-kids friend group) of events we're invited to in our lives right now are hosted at a house with no kids, scheduled and planned by adults with no kids catering to adults with no kids. You see, our kids are the only ones in both of our families in this current generation (or at least local in this generation, and honestly the "closest" kids are still 8+ years older and live 900 miles away other than a couple of teens). And out of our friends we've had/made before having kids, we are the only ones with kids. Only ones. I love our friends and family, but guys, it's HARD. HARD when I have a young infant and a young toddler and they are only addendums in planning to everyone else, when they're my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE right now. They're not old enough to learn to be bored hungry AND tired simultaneously without totally losing it. They are young enough that wanting to be the center of attention isn't even weird or totally wrong, and yet when we go to these events they are largely a footnote for others or even worse, an inconvenience. 

It's really hard to be trying to start up the idea of the magic of Christmas with my toddler this year when he's going to be over tired and drug around everywhere on Christmas Eve and it isn't even going to be parties/events that are much fun for him. 

Yes, we've made and are making more friends that have kids, and it's easier to see them right now because they get it. And events are at places with toys and with other kids to play with. And they "get" naptime and bedtime and meltdowns and instinctively KNOW what sorts of things are hard or easy with little ones in tow. They're easier to hang out with. They even have kid friendly/exciting food all the time.

But we love and miss our families and our old friends. And we want to see you guys and hang out. But afternoons and evenings are the pits in our house. SO HARD. Coming over right at the start of naptime is really rough whether it's at my house or yours. Missing naps is a total disaster still. And being in a non-kid-friendly space with the only kids and therefore most other people at the gathering hanging out with just adults and talking somewhere else and not being actively engaged with our kids means that my husband and I pretty much have to be 100% on and engaged with the kids at all times because they ARE bored and tired and hungry and therefore SUPER CRANKY and so to try to avoid them causing all of the ruckus in the world, I am literally unable to talk to anyone at the event, I can't hang out, I can't have fun or do adult things or enjoy myself. 

And when it comes to holidays "just get a sitter" isn't an option, lol. And when it comes to friend things, please know that we don't really have a lot of people who are able and willing to sit for free for us, especially when so few people actually regularly see our kids, so they don't know their likes, dislikes, and schedules, and our kids are still young enough that they can't communicate this to caretakers. Oh, and we live like an hour from everyone, so either kids have to get left for much much longer than event (which is expensive or difficult or both) or people have to come to us. But our house is full of kids and toys and lately people don't want to always come out to us or they want to come out late afternoon/evening....which as mentioned above is super difficult and stressful.

So it's FREAKING HARD.

And while I want to go to all the things and see all the people, we just can't. And it's sad because then we either just don't get invited to things or can't go. Or, in the case of holidays go and it's all a hot mess and I feel so bad for my KIDS that they are miserable on the holidays, which is still so so so hard for me. 

And so just know, I'm not mad at you, I'm just at a loss.

And when I invite you to come over at 9 or 10 am and go to the park, or just hang at our house know that I'm doing this in an attempt to ACTUALLY GET TO SEE YOU AND VISIT WITH YOU. Because that's when the kids are actually friendly and rested and the most likely to actually just entertain themselves/play alone nicely by themselves, so we adults can talk. 

So I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you don't see us, or when you do still feel like you didn't. And I'm sorry I've turned things down and invited you over and times of day that sound unappealing and awful. Just know that I've been up since 5 or 6 am probably and 9 or 10 am really *isn't* early anymore.

And I'm sorry if next year I just give up and tell people to come see us for the holidays because we're just staying home for everything, because I just can't anymore. It's not personal, but it's my only survival technique.

And I'm sorry there's no photos with this post, it's because it's now 3:20 am on 12/24 and I just finished writing this after starting it at 2:50 am. And I need to get some more sleep, so we can flounder today, but I think it's really really important to put this out there. 

The Dreaded Flap

So many people tell me not to worry, blah blah blah, don't be too hard on yourself, etc, but I'm not. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being realistic. Because I literally turned my entire stomach into a huge web of stretch marks, all the way across it and everywhere, the skin was totally overstretched and the texture is ruined. It cannot snap back. It's tightening up some, but it will never ever be the same. No matter what everyone says. I could become a body builder and get down to 10% body fat (I would never, but it's TECHNICALLY possible), and the skin there would still be ruined. People who lose 50+ lbs know what I mean. When people either make huge lifestyle changes, or have bariatric surgery, or both, nearly all have to have skin removal surgery, because their skin is too stretched out to ever go back. My tummy skin is like that now.

Yeah, not real excited about this.

This means, that between that, and my tight c section scar, I now have the dreaded flap. Sigh.

Not awesome, not the end of the world, but...it is a definite clothing crisis. Nothing really fits anymore. I have pre-pregnancy pants available in 6 or 7 different sizes, and shirts that are maternity or not in XS-XL, but honestly 1 pair of pants, a couple of dresses (because THANK YOU STRETCHY STUFF!) and perhaps 4 or 5 shirts fit. I typically prefer fitted style shirts, because fabric that flaps or is loose and can catch on/rub on body parts or things around me is a huge sensory problem.

Not too bad, wearing my 1 pair of pants

I'm not exactly as small anymore, but I can flex and feel athletic again

Well, now my fitted shirts, even those that are bigger sizes, all roll up over my flap. Which means I'm pulling on them all day. Irritating. The slightly looser fit shirts don't roll up, but they either catch on the skin flap OR flap in the breeze. Irk. Pants are an even bigger issue. My low rise pants, even in larger sizes just emphasize the flap and either are uncomfortable because the flap rests on the outside of them, or are being pushed down by flap and I spend all day yanking them up. I have a few mid rise things, but they are either too big at the waist and gap huge above the flap area, or a bit small in the butt/thighs and consequently fall down. I have maybe 1 pair of high rise pants, that were a gift, and I hate them. 1 - they go up to my bra. No joke. 2 - When I sit down, they try to cut me in half. If they were bigger though, even with the flap, the waist would be too big. Nope nope nope nope. So I'm at a loss. I have 1 pair of yoga pants that are comfortable, they're maternity, but have a half belly panel, and they do flap a little at the waist, but only a tiny tiny bit so far (about those 15 lbs I still need to lose), but keep my skin flap still, which is more comfortable. And they don't fall down all day long.

BUT...they're no longer made, or I would have already bought like 3 more pair. And I'm loathe to spend money on pants that I don't know if will fit, plus don't really have time to try on a bunch of stuff. So....suck suck suck suck. I hate being uncomfortable if I'm already dealing with two cranky kiddos and stuck at home on no sleep. I don't have to be "cute" I just want to be comfortable.

Of large concern (not right now, but come spring) is running. I'm taking the winter off running because I don't yet trust my pelvis, and Jade won't be jogging stroller ready until around May, so I see no reason to deal with runs in the literal freezing cold. BUT, once I do start running again, I'm used to running with only skirt and bra in the warm weather. My flap then will bounce though (seriously, it bounces when I laugh and it's really uncomfortable), and that's not ok. But I'm worried my fitted running shirts will do what my regular fitted tanks do, and just roll up constantly, so that I'm super pissed off yanking them down.

Plus, I'm worried about swim suits. I don't care about people seeing my new "front-butt" really, but it flapping around is not OK, and I can't stand t shirts in water, again with the sensory and clothing pulling on me. One pieces are notoriously impossible for me with my short torso, and high waisted again just fit...wrong. I may try to find a good tankini style, but I'm worried about the top doing that rolling up thing.

A lot of people suggest to me that the solution is a tight tank or camisole underneath all of my shirts. Sigh. I just...can't. I run too warm to be ok with layered shirts. It's 68 inside my house right now and I'm in yoga pants and 1 thin tank top. I'm not cold. I can't do two shirts when it's warm out. Also, I've tried doing this before and the feeling of the two shirts sticking to each other makes me cringe. As does the TWO layers of rolling up shirts.

I feel like I need a personal shopper to take me out and show me what styles I need to look for now, what will fit my new shape without flapping or rolling up.

Or I'm going to end up finding a seamstress to make a dozen pairs of my favorite pants and just having to tuck in all my shirts to them all the time. Or give up and live perpetually in dresses.

Sigh. I love my body and I'm happier to be cosmetically destroyed rather than functionally so. Glad my body works again. But...I want to be comfy and on the cheap.

One simply cannot have too many pictures of adorable babies in pumpkins

My little ROO!

Sometimes you just gotta kill time with filtered selfies

Vaginal Birth Recovery

It's hard to imagine having two births more different, unless I suppose I'd managed to have a medicated homebirth, lol. As much as Jade's birth was painful and hard, it was nothing as compared to Legan's.

Snoozing in bed with a fresh baby

To spare SOME details, I'll just say that I only had two very small micro tears. Not worth mentioning. They stung like hell for about 24 hours, but totally faded away in less than 2 days. No joke.

Not 20 minutes after giving birth I was getting out of a tall birth pool. I was walking to the bed and to the bathroom.

Not an hour after, I showered. All by myself!

This isn't to say it was all peaches and cream, but seriously not in the same realm as the c section recovery.

I still had bleeding. I still had a goofy mushy tummy that was sore. I had to be careful how & where I sat down for a while, but maybe only a week, 10 days? General soreness wasn't really worse than from a Tough Mudder. In fact, my shoulder was the most sore in the immediate postpartum period, probably from hanging from Eric's arms to squat. But really, it just wasn't a huge issue.

Stairs for instance. Stairs were not hard. Getting up and down off the couch wasn't hard. Even off the f3.5 loor wasn't too bad. I made a point to not bend too much at the waist, and to rely heavily on my arms to help me get up. Not because I didn't feel capable, but because I was trying very very hard to not overdo it. You see, a friend of mine had a massive bleed 10 days postpartum, nearly ended up in the hospital, and was put back onto bedrest for a couple of weeks. I really really didn't want to end up in the hospital.

The first two days I tried to do nothing. For the next week and a half, I did my best to only travel up and down the stairs maybe 2-3 times per day, carefully do some laundry, and make time for Legan while changing a ton of Jade diapers and nursing her constantly. I tried to not even have to make food for 2 weeks, I wanted to heal.

Cozy girl

The most surprising part of recovery for me though was the inability to pick up my toddler for an extended time. I figured it would be a day or two, maybe a week.

Instead, my body asked me NOT to pick up Legan for nearly 4 weeks. I tried at maybe 10 days out to just hold him if he stood up on a chair first, and that was only ALMOST ok, but still led to extra bleeding every time. Trying to lower him back down into his crib, even if I didn't lift him, didn't hurt, but it led to enough extra blood that it concerned me. It was 3.5 ish weeks before it was ok.

Physically though, by 4 weeks I felt still a bit overly heavy but basically healed up, save for my pelvis separation. By 12 weeks, the pelvis felt as put together as it did a year after Legan's birth. So that was super exciting. My core started coming back together around 8 weeks. There's still a little muscle separation, but it's literally growing back together, it's going to be ok.

So while I at the time felt like recovery was super super slow, I remember now how at 12 weeks after Legan I still felt like a total invalid that was just forcing life to happen. Not at all true this time.

That all being said, while I functionally feel great (even though I'm still working on muscle building and probably around 10-15 lbs of fat to lose still - seriously gaining almost 50 lbs is really really rough!!!!!) I cosmetically am much much more rough than after Legan. Might have something to do with those extra pounds I put on. The skin of my belly is...in a word destroyed. But that's another story....

Getting exercise, slowly getting stronger

As she gets bigger, I get a bigger workout

Great to watch them bond

Making sure to take time to just recover

Bonding with kiddos

3 weeks postpartum, relaxed

3 weeks postpartum, flexed

3 weeks postpartum, relaxed