I'm so tired of stigma. This particular time I'm thinking of every time I'm unhappy or struggling, instantly someone thinks of or asks about PPD/A (postpartum depression/anxiety). And while that's a very real fear/concern and it doesn't exactly get talked about enough, at least for me a lot of my feelings aren't just hormonal. They're lack of sleep, loss of normal life....things, and a lack of support. It's not that people don't love me/us or care, but it's that everyone is busy in their own lives and I get that. I do. But that doesn't always make it easy.
You see, I'm tired. And not just I-haven't-slept-for-more-than-4-hours-but-usually-only-1.5-hours-in-weeks tired, but exhausted of trying to be "good."
This isn't a dig at anyone BTW, it's just an overwhelming feeling from everyone and everything.
Kids are HARD. And we have the only ones. I love my kids and they're awesome, but when the overwhelming vast majority (think every single event in our family & pre-kids friend group) of events we're invited to in our lives right now are hosted at a house with no kids, scheduled and planned by adults with no kids catering to adults with no kids. You see, our kids are the only ones in both of our families in this current generation (or at least local in this generation, and honestly the "closest" kids are still 8+ years older and live 900 miles away other than a couple of teens). And out of our friends we've had/made before having kids, we are the only ones with kids. Only ones. I love our friends and family, but guys, it's HARD. HARD when I have a young infant and a young toddler and they are only addendums in planning to everyone else, when they're my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE right now. They're not old enough to learn to be bored hungry AND tired simultaneously without totally losing it. They are young enough that wanting to be the center of attention isn't even weird or totally wrong, and yet when we go to these events they are largely a footnote for others or even worse, an inconvenience.
It's really hard to be trying to start up the idea of the magic of Christmas with my toddler this year when he's going to be over tired and drug around everywhere on Christmas Eve and it isn't even going to be parties/events that are much fun for him.
Yes, we've made and are making more friends that have kids, and it's easier to see them right now because they get it. And events are at places with toys and with other kids to play with. And they "get" naptime and bedtime and meltdowns and instinctively KNOW what sorts of things are hard or easy with little ones in tow. They're easier to hang out with. They even have kid friendly/exciting food all the time.
But we love and miss our families and our old friends. And we want to see you guys and hang out. But afternoons and evenings are the pits in our house. SO HARD. Coming over right at the start of naptime is really rough whether it's at my house or yours. Missing naps is a total disaster still. And being in a non-kid-friendly space with the only kids and therefore most other people at the gathering hanging out with just adults and talking somewhere else and not being actively engaged with our kids means that my husband and I pretty much have to be 100% on and engaged with the kids at all times because they ARE bored and tired and hungry and therefore SUPER CRANKY and so to try to avoid them causing all of the ruckus in the world, I am literally unable to talk to anyone at the event, I can't hang out, I can't have fun or do adult things or enjoy myself.
And when it comes to holidays "just get a sitter" isn't an option, lol. And when it comes to friend things, please know that we don't really have a lot of people who are able and willing to sit for free for us, especially when so few people actually regularly see our kids, so they don't know their likes, dislikes, and schedules, and our kids are still young enough that they can't communicate this to caretakers. Oh, and we live like an hour from everyone, so either kids have to get left for much much longer than event (which is expensive or difficult or both) or people have to come to us. But our house is full of kids and toys and lately people don't want to always come out to us or they want to come out late afternoon/evening....which as mentioned above is super difficult and stressful.
So it's FREAKING HARD.
And while I want to go to all the things and see all the people, we just can't. And it's sad because then we either just don't get invited to things or can't go. Or, in the case of holidays go and it's all a hot mess and I feel so bad for my KIDS that they are miserable on the holidays, which is still so so so hard for me.
And so just know, I'm not mad at you, I'm just at a loss.
And when I invite you to come over at 9 or 10 am and go to the park, or just hang at our house know that I'm doing this in an attempt to ACTUALLY GET TO SEE YOU AND VISIT WITH YOU. Because that's when the kids are actually friendly and rested and the most likely to actually just entertain themselves/play alone nicely by themselves, so we adults can talk.
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you don't see us, or when you do still feel like you didn't. And I'm sorry I've turned things down and invited you over and times of day that sound unappealing and awful. Just know that I've been up since 5 or 6 am probably and 9 or 10 am really *isn't* early anymore.
And I'm sorry if next year I just give up and tell people to come see us for the holidays because we're just staying home for everything, because I just can't anymore. It's not personal, but it's my only survival technique.
And I'm sorry there's no photos with this post, it's because it's now 3:20 am on 12/24 and I just finished writing this after starting it at 2:50 am. And I need to get some more sleep, so we can flounder today, but I think it's really really important to put this out there.
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